The Right Thing
by chipzixo
Summary: Sometimes, love hurts. Even when it's mutual. Even if staying apart is the right thing to do. Follows main canon, different backstory.
1. Prats

**This isn't your typical RemusxLily fic, honest. It follows canon - trust me - it just has a different background story. It starts off fluffy, but it won't stay that way. I can't believe i've been so mean to Remus! Sirius and James feature heavily too, will be a sad story eventually, I think. Mainly now it's just a romance and a broken-hearted Remus. Read on for more.  
This will be finished fairly quickly, I think, seeing as FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER I actually have a plan. :D How proud am I?  
The answer is very. Anywho, here's the fic. Hope you like it! Reviews and criticisms welcomed :) Thanks, guys. **

_The Right Thing.  
Chapter One - Prats_

Of course, it was only to be expected.

Everybody in Hogwarts knew that James Potter was a bullying prat. Who was Lily Evans to try and stop him?

She sighed at the boy's bedside, running her hand through her vivid red hair.

"I can't believe they did this to you."

Painfully turning his head, Severus rolled his eyes to look at her and smiled softly. "You honestly thought they'd ever give up?"

Lily's eyes fell; her long black eyelashes brushed against her cheek. She chewed her lip gently. "I'm so sorry."

Severus let out a soft laugh, his eyes surveying her face hungrily. She could see it from the corner of her eye - but she just pretended she didn't notice. It was far too complicated to say anything. He spoke softly, his voice slightly raspy from the pain of his bones re-growing in his arm. "It's not your fault."

Lily looked up to him; green eyes connected with misty grey ones. "I thought I might be able to knock some sense into him." She gulped, he tried to smile. Sensing the awkwardness, she averted her eyes once more. Severus reached out to her, she flinched away. That was across the line. Her eyes snapped back to his, blazing. Severus recoiled slightly under her legendary fiery stare, his misty eyes glittering in the flickering light of the ward.

"This doesn't mean you're forgiven," she said, with more venom than she had expected, "I told you to pick a side, didn't I?"

This time, it was Severus who averted his eyes, staring down to his bed. He blinked slowly - Lily could have sworn he was blinking away a tear. "Lily..."

"No, Sev." She sniffed. "Sorry, but I can't be friends with someone who can't decide who they're fighting for." She remained staring straight at him as his eyes slid to face her, looking at her sideways through his eyelashes. "You say that you want to be on our side, but then you go and hang around with -" she stopped herself before she started to rant. They'd had this conversation too many times to count. She sighed. "If there's one thing that James is, it's honest."

Severus screwed his eyes shut, a vicious smile twisting on his lips. "Honest?!" he spat, "Potter - honest? Lily, are we talking about the same person?" Severus snorted, "There are things you don't know, Lils." He looked back over to her with narrowed, silvery eyes.

Lily narrowed her eyes back. She knew exactly what he was referring to. She couldn't believe he'd actually brought it up. It was none of his business. "Don't be so sure of that, Severus. James tells me everything. What is it they're calling me?"

Severus raised one, thin eyebrow underneath his greasy fringe. He stared down at the bedsheets over his knees. "The fifth marauder," he mumbled reluctantly.

Lily flicked her hair from her eyes, and stared down at him. She couldn't take any more of this or she'd explode into another fight. She'd only come to see if he was okay. Once again, she ran her hand through her hair. "Keep out of their business, and they'll keep out of yours." Severus widened his eyes slightly, but Lily ignored him, "Choose where you stand, Severus."

"You can't expect me to -"

"You're seventeen, Severus." She stood up, and turned away, speaking to him over her shoulder, "Act your age, will you?"

She stalked away, as Severus' head fell back to the pillow with a muffled thump.

* * *

Remus was in pain.

Alas, not enough pain to stay in the hospital wing for another day. No, he had to go back to classes. Well, the common room - classes were over for the day, the sun was setting. Remus glanced at the fading daylight outside and scowled at it.

This time last night, he would have already been locked away.

"Ready, Remus?"

Remus wheeled around, stumbling slightly on his bad leg. The wolf had been merciless the night before, seeing as his companions had been in detention. Remus scowled again as he thought of this, but quickly fixed his face as he saw who had spoken. Before him stood Madam Pomfrey, smiling softly. Remus nodded. "Are the lads here?"

Madam Pomfrey shook her head. Remus frowned. They had some cheek. However, Madam Pomfrey only needed to say one word to explain.

"Detention."

Remus rolled his eyes. _Again?_ "What have they done now?"

Madam Pomfrey stood up straight, standing aside and gesturing for Remus to pass her. "Let's just say Severus Snape will be a resident of this ward tonight."

Remus sighed as he began to limp past the woman. He could run from it all he liked, but there was no doubt about it.

His friends were bullying prats.

* * *

Lily offered a small smile to Madam Pomfrey as she left the hospital wing. The woman smiled softly back, but Lily's face fell as she turned away and began to head down the corridor, unable to hold the false pretences any longer. She ran her hands through her hair for what felt like the millionth time. She only did that when she was stressed, or confused. In this case, it was the latter.

Because there was one thing Lily couldn't understand.

Why were all the boys in her life such children? Such idiots?

Such _prats_?

She sighed as she tried to think of one single boy who didn't fall under that umbrella, but as she turned the corner her thoughts were interrupted. There was a figure at the end of the corridor, silhouetted in the fading light, limping slowly. She sighed quietly; the boy looked in a lot of pain. Even in the dim corridor, she recognised him.

"Remus?"

The boy turned round to face her, she quickened her pace to catch up to him. "You alright?"

Remus tried to smile, wincing as it reached a fresh scar across his eyebrow, splitting it in two. "I'm fine." He was obviously lying. "What are you doing here?"

Lily bit her lip and dropped her eyes. "I've been to see Severus."

Remus took a deep breath. His chest inflated steadily and his eyes flickered to the side. "Ah," he said, "I heard about that."

Lily's head dropped to one side, looking up to Remus through her eyelashes. He was quite a lot taller than her, but she didn't care. She still spoke forcefully. "You weren't involved, then?"

He smiled as his eyes slid to meet hers, before he waved his hand over his right leg. "Kind of hard for me to, really."

Of course - he'd been limping. Lily gave herself a mental slap as she glanced down at his bad leg. "What did you do?"

He bit his lip, his eyes dropping once more. As he quickly glanced out of the window, Lily followed his gaze. The moon was rising.

Oh.

Lily quickly rethought, realization dawning on her face. She opened her mouth for what seemed like days before actually saying anything. She settled on "Don't answer that." Remus let out a soft chuckle.

"Thanks."

* * *

Remus was actually giggling.

It was the night after the full moon, and he was _giggling _like a three-year-old girl. It was all Lily's fault. She made him feel at ease as they walked slowly back to the common room. She supported him as they tackled the stairs with his bad leg, and she didn't ask questions as to how he had injured his leg.

Well, she did, but she dropped the subject quickly.

If it wasn't for the fact that it felt as if his leg might snap with the pain, he would have forgotten all about last night's fiasco as he walked along with Lily Evans, laughing with her, talking with her, looking at her beautiful, emerald-green eyes...

_REMUS!_ He gave himself a mental slap. _She's James' girlfriend! _

He shook his head slightly to clear the thoughts. They were at the common room now - soon, he would be in bed, and all thoughts of Lily and how very pretty she was would disappear into the land of the unconcious. He'd have a clear head in the morning. He didn't know where these thoughts had appeared from - she'd always just been Lily; James' Lily - but he didn't like them. They made his insides squirm.

He advanced towards the Fat Lady, catching the password in his throat as he realized the very subject of his unusual and uncomfortable thoughts was no longer beside him. He turned his head to look at her over his shoulder. She stood, rubbing her toe into the ground and staring intently at her feet, so that her hair fell over her face. Her long, shiny, deep red hair obscuring the beautiful face Remus had been looking at for the last 15 minutes.

_For god's sake Remus. Get over it!_

"What's up?" was all he could manage. All words had gone from his head as he looked on at her in such an awkward state.

She looked up at him through her eyelashes, biting her lip. "You go on ahead," she said quietly, "I don't think I can face them yet. I'm going for a walk."

Remus raised his eyebrows slightly, and glanced towards the sleeping Fat Lady before looking back to Lily, who had begun to turn away.

"Wait."

He'd even taken himself by surprise - and he'd _obviously _taken Lily by surprise. He knew that under the circumstances he shouldn't be going anywhere with this girl. He needed to sort his head out, to wait for the drugs Madam Pomfrey had given him to wear off so his head could de-fuzz. Too late now, though. She stopped dead and looked over her shoulder, flicking her hair from her eyes. A small crease formed inbetween her eyebrows as they pulled together slightly, and he turned back around to face her properly. He took a deep breath, then smiled crookedly.

"I'll come too."

The girl smiled softly after a moment as he limped towards her. Whether it was a piteous smile, a genuine smile or a forced one he couldn't tell, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. As he reached her, a sudden realization hit him - what if she wanted to be alone? What if he was invading? Him and his stupid, wounded leg?

He opened his mouth to speak, but Lily put her arm around him - which proved difficult, considering the height difference. She smiled up to him. "That'd be nice." He smiled softly back as they began to walk. Lily began to giggle again in the silence as they turned the corner. Remus let out a long groan.

"Ready to tackle the stairs again?"

* * *

The crisp, early-spring air whistled around Lily and Remus as they headed across the grounds towards the lake. The sky was clear, and the stars twinkled down at them, dotted across the deep-blue expanse. The slightly frosty grass crunched under her feet as Lily gave an inadvertent shiver next to Remus. The boy immediately stopped.

"Are you cold?"

Lily just kept on walking. "I'm fine," she lied, "come on, I want to get to the lake."

Remus shook his head as he limped to catch up with her. "You're a terrible liar." He chuckled softly and began to untie his outdoor robe. Lily's eyes widened.

"Don't, Remus - I'm fine, honest -"

He held up one hand as he swung the coat from his shoulders and over hers. Lily began to protest, but her voice was cut off as he tied the tie around her neck. It was so warm, and Lily couldn't help but snuggle into it. It smelt nice, too. Warm, homely, slightly musky - exactly like Remus, she guessed. She smiled up at the boy - the gentleman - now only standing in his uniform, nothing but a white shirt protecting him from the elements. He smiled. "Better?"

Lily nodded as she considered his smile. It wasn't full and hearty like James' or Sirius', it was always soft and slightly crooked. One of his eyes closed slightly more than the other when he smiled - the hazel-green shade of eyes which twinkled in the breaking moonlight. Around his eyes were creases as he smiled; laughter lines which came with the baggage of being a marauder. His tawny-brown hair swept over one side of his face, covering half of his left eyebrow. But it was his right eyebrow that intrigued Lily. It was sliced into two parts on a diagonal down the centre - no doubt one of the many scars and side-effects that came with Remus' 'problem'.

Unexpectedly, Remus put his arm around Lily. Even more unexpectedly, he was still warm. She inadvertently snuggled under his arm, into the exact same scent as the coat around her shoulders. He squeezed her tightly - the effect of an electric shock running through Lily's shoulders.

Which was more than a little odd. He was just Remus. James' friend.

Who also happened to be a werewolf, but they didn't mention that.

They were getting closer to the lake when Lily spoke next. "Thanks for your coat," she said, a little too late. She felt Remus giggle beside her.

"That's okay," he said softly, "I don't really get cold."

They were at the edge of the lake now. "No?"

Remus shrugged as he pulled away from Lily. As soon as he pulled his arm away from her, she began to yearn for it to be back around her shoulders. His arms were sculpted, unusually strong - Lily had never expected him to be quite so ... powerful. She could tell from the way he held her as they walked across the ground.

She stopped herself mentally. She was thinking about him too much. They might have been going through a rough patch, but she was still James' girlfriend. And Remus was James' best friend. She shouldn't be thinking of him like she was. Like she was attracted to him.

Because she wasn't. She couldn't be. She giggled softly at the thought.

"What's so funny?" Lily had almost forgotten that the subject of her thoughts was infact standing infront of her. She bit her lip. He giggled.

"You have a nice laugh."

Lily raised one eyebrow. "What?"

Remus smiled - a little fuller than usual. "You do!" he laughed softly, "It's, erm ... it makes you seem - I don't know, it's like a little girl's laugh."

The boy remained smiling at her, but Lily's eyebrows fell into a frown. She could feel a fire burning in her eyes as she advanced towards Remus. "I'm _not _a little girl." She glared at him with all the fire she could muster, but he just smiled back. Smiled _down._ That height difference had really come into effect, as the boy towering over her raised one, broken eyebrow at Lily.

"Oh _really._"

Lily put her hands on her hips and scowled. "Just because you're freakishly tall."

Remus raised one hand to his strong jawline. He seemed to ponder her words for a moment, looking to the distance, before looking back to her and smiling in what Lily thought was a very Marauderish way. His voice was deep and smooth, and he spoke quietly, straight into Lily's face. "Or maybe _you're _just freakishly small."

That was too much. She took a sharp intake of breath and glared even more blazingly upwards. Remus' smile grew wider. Lily's hands snapped from her hips as she pressed them to his chest and pushed him with all the force she could. Of course, she didn't expect her proportionally tiny fists to have any effect on the strong, tall boy before her, but her 'little girl's' temper had gotten the better of her. She wasn't really that annoyed, but she thought it would be funny to try and push him over. Perhaps, she had hoped that when her push had had no effect her would take her in his arms and laugh his raspy, soft laugh right into her ears.

Oh, how wrong she was.

* * *

At first, Remus had thought it was funny. Nothing but a bit of harmless flirting - or was that wishful thinking?

But as he giggled and staggered backwards to give her her desired effect, he had lost his footing on the uneven and crumbling soil-based bank which enclosed the lake. He had fallen into the inky depths, the only sound being Lily Evans' shocked squeal as the water splashed into his ears.

He had thought about staying under there for as long as he could manage. Make her squirm for pushing him into the water.

But he couldn't bear to see those beautiful eyes panic.

So, James Bond-esque, he broke through the surface of the water, his cotton shirt stuck to him and his tie about three shades darker than it should have been, throwing his soaking-wet tawny hair from his face so it stuck to the back of his head. And, for extra effect, he shook his head like a dog to rid it of any excess water. He swam to the edge and pushed himself onto the bank, standing up and shaking himself once more. Turning to Lily, he burst out laughing.

She did not.

"Oh my goodness! Oh, Merlin - Remus are you alright? Oh I thought you'd drowned. Oh, Remus - "

She had her hands on his chest, apparently searching for wounds. He grabbed her wrists gently to stop them, and looked her straight in the eyes - hazel meeting green. His face softened into a smile.

"I'm fine," he said quietly, "just a little wet."

Lily began to giggle as Remus set her free. She bit her lip to control herself, and Remus watched as she shook with silent laughter. He could have stood there forever, watching her laugh like that. She opened her eyes and looked to him through her eyelashes. In the hour or so since he had left the hospital wing, he had realized he loved it when she did that - even more so when her vivid, unique green eyes sparkled in the moonlight. The moonlight which was bouncing off her deep red locks and giving her hair silvery streaks.

All of a sudden, her laughter stopped and her face fell into a sympathetic smile. "You're dripping wet."

Remus smiled softly. "And whose fault is that?"

Lily bit her lip.

* * *

Petunia used to say that Lily had a very motherly instinct. The smaller of the two sisters would always remind the older one to wear a coat or wrap up warm - and that instinct had never left her. It kicked in when Remus brushed some excess water off one of his arms.

"You can't keep that on. You'll catch a cold."

Remus looked sideways to her, raising one eyebrow. "Sorry Mum." He smirked. She gave him a mocking smile and cocked her head to one side.

"Take the wet shirt off," she said, swinging the coat from around her shoulders, "and put this back on." His eyebrow raised more - Lily rolled her eyes. "Don't panic," she said, "I won't look."

And she held the coat out to an advancing, giggling Remus who took it from her. She obediently turned around. "I don't care, you know." Remus said from behind her. But Lily stayed turned. Seeing Remus shirtless wasn't going to do anything for her mental state of definitely-not-fancying-him.

She couldn't help but look in the reflection currently settling on the still, inky water, though.

He peeled the wet shirt from his back and threw it next to his tie which was already on the grass. Lily's eyes widened. His chest was as sculpted as his arms - and littered with criss-crossing pink and silvery scars. It made Lily quite scared to think of how he had gotten those scars, and it made her shiver to look at them. There were just so _many_.

They disappeared under the coat, but Lily couldn't stop staring. Remus turned to face her, telling her that she could turn around, but she didn't move. He advanced towards her and stood beside her, looking to where she was looking. Then he smiled.

"Couldn't resist a peek, then?"

Lily didn't smile. She turned to him, and the seriousness of her face made his smile falter. "I saw your scars."

Now his face was as serious as hers. "Oh."

She inadvertently put her hand to his chest, where she knew the scars lay. Her eyes flickered up to meet his, but he was still staring down at her hand. After a while, he met her gaze. She spoke quietly - almost in a whisper.

"Do they hurt?"

Remus swallowed, a small smile curling the very end of his lips. His eyes glittered in the moonlight - highlighting their green hints. He blinked slowly. "Not any more."

Tentatively, she raised her hand and reached out one finger, running it along the small scar splitting his eyebrow. She looked at it carefully, a soft smile now playing with her lips. "I like this one," she said quietly. He raised the eyebrow she was touching, but she didn't lower her finger. Instead, she lowered her gaze to meet his. He was smiling softly.

"Oh really?"

Lily nodded. "It's interesting." He laughed softly through his nose, before looking up to the moon. It was then Lily noticed the other colour in Remus' eyes. There was just the odd fleck of it here and there, tainting the blended haze with it's unnaturalness.

It was amber, highlighted by the shimmering moonlight. Obscured by welling tears.

He spoke without looking back to her, still staring at the moon. His voice was no louder than a whisper. "I'd rather they weren't there, though."

Lily gently turned his head with her hand so that he was facing her. Of course he'd rather if they weren't there. Then he wouldn't go through so much pain every month. Then he wouldn't have so much to hide, people wouldn't sneer or fear him when they found out.

But she didn't care. She thought he was the bravest person she knew. She admired him for it. It made him all the more interesting - all the more powerful. "It doesn't matter, Remus."

He stared down to her. "Of course it matters."

Lily shook her head. "Not to me."

And she stood on her tiptoes so that their faces were almost level.

And she wrapped her arms around his neck.

And she kissed him.

And he kissed her back.

_Well, _she thought, _at least Remus isn't a prat. _


	2. The Right Thing

**Forgot to put this on the last chapter.**

**Disclaimer - I don't own anything Harry Potter related. :)**

_Chapter Two - The Right Thing_

He was kissing Lily Evans.

_Kissing. Lily. Evans._

And in that moment, he didn't care about anything, or anyone else.

He didn't know how it had happened, and he didn't care. They'd been walking by the lake, he'd fallen in - somehow, the conversation had turned to his lyncanthropy, and then... then she'd kissed him squarely on the lips. Feverishly, passionately, as if they were the last two people alive. She was standing on her tiptoes and he supported her with one arm, the other hand resting softly on the back of her head, the fiery red hair he loved tangled in his fingertips. He'd never expected to be here. He was now fully accepting those thoughts which had appeared whilst walking to the common room - a scenario which felt like days ago. He was more than thankful for the fact that they had been on the walk to the lake, that Lily hadn't been able to face the common room, that she'd had a fight with James-

_James. _

Oh dear God.

He was kissing his best mate's girlfriend.

Slowly, reluctantly, he pulled his lips from hers and slid his hand from her hair, still supporting her with his free arm. She opened her eyes - her unique green eyes which sparkled like emeralds in the moonlight, her eyes which Remus had fallen in love with in all of fifteen minutes, her eyes which were now full of questions. She licked her lips gently, never taking her eyes away from his. She spoke like an innocent, naive little schoolgirl - an attitude mirrored in the laugh which Remus almost prayed to hear at that very moment in time.

"What's wrong?"

* * *

She couldn't understand why he had stopped. She didn't want him to stop. He'd taken her breath away - it was a spur-of-the-moment thing, a romantic impulse. But oh, how glad she was that she had had the courage to kiss Remus Lupin. She held his strong frame close to hers, standing on her very tiptoes and thankful for the support of one arm wrapped underneath her arms. She stared up into his face - the face she could have stared at forever, losing herself in his eyes, trying to pick out the beautiful flecks of amber around the pupil. Gently, she pushed his tawny-golden fringe from his eyes, but he still stared at her. There was an expression on his face that Lily couldn't understand - it was guilt, confusion, yearning...

He bit his lip and said one word. "James."

Of course. James.

Lily blinked rapidly and tried to think as fast as she could. She quickly came to a conclusion, her lips curving into a soft smile. "What about James?"

Remus did not smile back. "He's my best mate, Lils - your _boyfriend-_"

"Ex-boyfriend." She corrected him. He shook his head.

"We both know that's not true. You can't just jump into this Lily - not while you're still with him."

Lily dropped to her flat feet and furrowed her brow slightly. He swallowed - she stared. After a while, she broke the silence, brushing his hair from his eyes once more. "Are you saying you don't want this?"

A smile played with the edge of his lips. He stroked the top of her hair softly with one hand before looking her straight in the eye. "Lily," he said softly, "There's nothing I want more."

And she stood back on her tiptoes, and went to kiss him again. He pushed her gently back down.

"But it's not right. I wouldn't - I _couldn't _do that to James."

Lily locked her jaw. She could feel the tears at the back of her eyes, but she refused to let them break through. She looked to the floor so that he wouldn't see. She spoke quietly. "I see."

"I'm sorry, Lily-"

"Don't be." She looked up to him, tried to smile. It didn't work. She turned away. "I'll, erm - I'll see you tomorrow, Remus."

And with one last look at him over her shoulder, she left, tears stinging the back of her eyes. Why did he have to be so damn _noble_?

Well, of course, that was one of the things that made him different. Better.

Not a prat.

* * *

Remus kicked a stone into the water and slumped down to the floor, leaning against a tree on the bank as he watched her stalk away.

It was official. He was the stupidest, most noble idiot who ever walked the earth.

"Merlin, Remus," he said quietly to himself, running his hand through his hair, "Why do you always have to do the god damned _right thing_?"

***

"Remus? Reeeeee-muuuuuuus."

Remus let out a long groan and rolled over. There was only one thing on his mind. "Lily?"

There was silence. He opened his eyes, blinking in the sunlight streaming in through the window opposite him. He was in his dormitory. He didn't remember getting there. Over him stood a very awestruck-looking Sirius Black.

Whoops.

"What did you just say?"

Remus blinked and quickly pushed himself up so that he was sitting upright. "I - I, uh... chilly? It's cold in here."

Sirius raised one eyebrow. "No it's not."

Remus' eyes widened, unable to think of another excuse. Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Have you been dreaming of _Lily_?"

Remus' eyes fell. It hadn't all been a dream, had it? Sirius snorted. "You're bloody lucky I'm not James, mate."

Remus ran his hands through his hair. "It wasn't a dream..." he muttered, not meaning to say it aloud. Sirius picked up on him speaking.

"What? What wasn't a dream?"

He looked up to face his friend, squinting as his newly-awoken eyes adjusted to the sunlight now flooding the dorm. He looked around. Thankfully, they were the only two people present. Everything seemed normal - everywhere was relatively tidy, except for Remus' bed. Everything seemed in it's proper place.

_Had _it all been a dream?

Then he saw something unusual. There were clothes on the radiator. A shirt, a tie, a pair of trousers...

_His _shirt, _his _tie, _his _trousers. From when he'd fallen in the lake.

"It _wasn't _a dream."

Sirius now looked quite scared for his friend's mental health. He clicked his fingers - Remus' eyes snapped up to meet his. He was frowning. "_What _wasn't a dream?"

Remus shook his head. "It doesn't matter." Sirius still frowned, Remus tried to smile. "Let's go get some breakfast."

* * *

"I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done what I did. I'll never, _ever_ lay a finger on him again. I promise -" the boy kissed her "- as long as it means keeping you."

James Potter gave a wolfish, childish grin, and Lily tried to smile back. But there was only one thing on her mind.

Remus.

He'd never smiled like that. His smile was softer, more gentle, more crooked. His hair lay flatter than James', his eyes were more interesting. _James _didn't have amber flecks littering his hazel irises. And Lily wanted the boy who did.

But, of course, he didn't want her.

If he did, he would have thrown caution to the wind and held her all night. He wouldn't have cared what James said. They wouldn't have let him find out. They would have found a way.

_No! _she thought hastily, stopping herself, _It was right to stop it when we did. I don't want Remus. I'm with James - he said so himself, this is right. _

"Lily?"

She zoned back into her surroundings as James was looking at her, apparently waiting for an answer to a non-existent question, through his slightly lopsided glasses. If Remus had glasses, the wouldn't be lopsided - Lily was sure of that.

_Focus, Lily! You're with James. JAMES!_

"Um, what?"

James laughed softly. "You're such an airhead today, Lils. Are you sure you're with us?"

Lily nodded, still thinking of the reason she was indeed 'such an airhead'.

The reason who was currently heading towards where she was sitting.

Oh dear God.

"Alright, mate?" Sirius yelled, far too loud to be socially acceptable, as always, a childish grin plastered on his face, "You two made up yet?"

James swung his arm around Lily and pulled her closer, a sheepish smile on his lips. Sirius began to nod. "You bet, Pads." He freed Lily and gestured to the empty seats opposite as if the castle were his own home. "Sit down! Eat!"

As Sirius sat, Lily saw the other boy properly for the first time. He wasn't smiling - crookedly or otherwise. He swallowed and took a deep breath, staring Lily straight in the eyes. She couldn't see the green in his eyes, nevermind the amber, but she longed to be close enough so that she could. Flicking his fringe from his eye, he raised his right eyebrow slightly. The broken eyebrow; her favourite scar. She swallowed and blinked slowly, offering Remus a small smile. He forced a smile back before taking a seat next to Sirius.

How Lily wished he'd sit by her.

* * *

Remus didn't eat breakfast. He pushed a bit of bacon around his plate, and played with the straw in his pumpkin juice, but he didn't eat a bite. Somehow, his appetite had disappeared.

They were back together.

Of course they were. It was only to be expected.

But that didn't make it hurt any less.

He knew that Sirius kept shooting him confused side-glances, he knew his friend was suspicious. He prayed James wouldn't cotton on, and he prayed Sirius wouldn't notice that Lily was just as awkward and distant as he was. Why, he didn't know - he should have announced to the entire hall what had happened the previous night, called from the rooftops his love for Lily Evans.

_Love. _Remus laughed internally at the word. He never knew you could fall in love in one night.

Obviously, he couldn't tell anyone how he felt. Not even Lily - not really. Not now she was back with James - the proof she didn't feel the same.

Or did she?

There was something in her eyes that morning. Something in her expression, the way she wasn't draped over James and the way she wasn't involved in the conversation too much. She didn't eat a whole lot either, from what Remus could see, and she kept biting her nails and glancing at him. Whenever he looked back, however, she'd look away immediately and turn to James.

It was all too confusing.

* * *

He didn't even speak to her. Surely that was proof enough? She had to get over this crush; because that's all this was, a crush. A silly, schoolgirl's crush.

A crush which made her heart leap when she thought of him, which made her throat dry up when she saw him. A crush which meant she couldn't get him out of her mind.

But she was with James. And that was _right_.

Breakfast was over, James was heading to Potions with Peter and Sirius. Remus was lagging behind - he apparently wanted to be alone. But Lily needed to talk to him. To apologize for being such - how had he put it? - a little girl. She needed to stay with James. Even he knew that was what was right.

Planting a reluctant kiss on James' cheek, she wove some tale about wanting to visit the owlery before first lesson. Remus obviously heard this, as he stopped packing his bag and bit his lip, never looking away from the table. Lily took a seat opposite him when she knew that James was well out of earshot.

"Remus."

He looked up, his face blank. "Lily."

She glanced at the table and sighed, quickly drumming her fingers on the table. "Remus - I ... I mean, I'm ... I'm sorry."

A small crease formed inbetween his eyebrows. "What for?"

It almost hurt to look him straight in the eye. Now she could see the green. "Last night. I ... I shouldn't have done what I did."

Remus looked as if he had lockjaw. He was silent. Lily spoke again.

"James and I made up-"

"I saw." He said shortly, before forcing a small smile, "I'm happy for you."

She looked to the table. He spoke softly - more like he had done the night before. "You don't seem to be, though."

Her eyes snapped up, one eyebrow lowered slightly. "What?"

Remus shrugged. Lily's eyebrows fell into a frown as she understood. "I'm with James." She sighed, "We both know that's what's right."

Remus nodded slowly. "Yes, but-"

"But what?" she wanted to shout, but they were in public, "What happened last night never should have."

There was a pause. "It didn't have any effect on you, then?"

Lily scoffed. "That's not the point-"

"Then what is the point? Lily - I think I-"

"Stop." she paused, her hand over his, "Stop now, Remus. I'm with James." She took her hand from his and ran it through her hair, trying to think of a reason why she was turning him down, "Need I remind you you were the one who ended the kiss?"

* * *

The words were like a dagger in his chest. No, she didn't have to remind him that he had stopped it. He'd been thinking of it all night.

It was all his fault. His fault they weren't holding each other, his fault they were fighting. His fault Lily and James were back together. And oh, how that hurt.

"Just forget it ever happened, Remus."

Forget it? How could he forget it - forget _her_? He was in _love_.

Lily took his silence as her cue to leave. Of course, she was right. He needed to forget - he needed to get over it. She was with James. They were made for each other - any fool could see that. Who was Remus Lupin to get in the way of that?

A stupid, noble, werewolf.

He slammed his head on the table.

***

Lessons were over - and Remus had no wish to go to the common room. As Lily had put it the previous night - he 'couldn't face it'.

So he went to the library, buried himself in meaningless literature, tried to make himself forget. He filled his heads with other people's words and other world's problems so that he didn't have to think of his own. He finished all of his homework due that week and more, taking him all the way up to 10.30. When he saw the time on the clock, he sighed.

He'd have to go back to the common room at some point. He'd go to bed. He'd be fine in the morning.

He trundled all the way up to the Gryffindor dormitories - not needing any help tonight, seeing as his leg was better. Muttering the password, he pushed the portrait hole open and dragged himself into the common room. He sighed with relief. It was empty.

Well, he thought it was.

"Remus."

He'd just reached the stairs, but he wheeled around to see who had spoken. Sirius was sitting by the fire, illuminating his deadpan expression with an eerie glow, giving him the look of a bond villain. Remus began to laugh. "Woah! Mate, you gave me a fright." He headed over to where Sirius sat and took a chair opposite him. Sirius' expression did not change. Remus frowned.

"What's up?"

"Where've you been?"

Remus smiled softly and lowered one eyebrow. "We're not married, Padf-"

"Where have you been?"

Sirius was acting very strange - he was always smiling. Now, though, his face was blank. Remus spoke slowly. "The library - why?"

As Sirius looked into the fire, Remus contemplated the fact that a white cat would not look out of place on his knee. "Why didn't you come straight here?"

Remus' frown deepened. "Why do you care?"

Sirius' eyes snapped up to meet Remus' gaze. "Just answer the question, Remus."

_Remus. _They never called each other by their actual names. "I don't kn-"

"Don't lie!"

"What's up with you?"

Sirius sighed. "James is my best friend. I don't want him to get hurt - least of all by you."

Oh. Now Remus understood. Not that he'd tell Sirius that. "I don't think I understand."

"You need to get over your crush, Remus. Accept that Lily is with James." He sighed. "I'm not letting a girl drive a gap in the Marauders. But she's James' - not yours. They're happy. Don't you dare ruin that."

They sat in silence for a while whilst Remus decided what to say. "Have you told him?"

"James? No."

Relief washed over Remus. Sirius stood up.

"Get yourself sorted out, Lupin."

And with that, he left. Remus watched him leave. Of course, Sirius was right. Lily wasn't his. She was James'. She always would be. She loved him, he loved her.

But Remus loved her too.

He sighed and looked up into the fire. "Get over her, Remus."

He sat there for what could have been days, running his thoughts over and over. She wouldn't leave his head. In an attempt to clear his thoughts, he dropped his head in his hands.

It didn't work. Her smile, her eyes, her long, red hair -

"This isn't fair."


	3. BrokenHearted

**You'd never guess I loved Remus, would you? Thanks for your reviews! Much love :) Every review is much appreciated x)  
Sorry If i never mentioned this, but it skips a bit :) **

_Chapter Three - Broken-Hearted._

Date: 15th March 1979

It had been two years since Remus and the Marauders had left Hogwarts, and he'd spent those years living in a cramped flat with one Sirius Black. Peter had decided to live on his own (not that anybody minded) and James...

Well, James was living with Lily, obviously. But Remus didn't think about that.

Because that was the way Remus had battled his feelings for Lily Evans. His theory was that if he ignored them enough, then they'd simply fade away. He'd go out with Sirius and James on a Saturday night and find someone else, forget about Lily completely and finally be happy for his best friend.

Of course, it didn't work.

Everytime he saw her, his heart would miss a beat. When she spoke to him, all words would disappear from his head and he'd end up sounding like he'd never been to school at all. And when she laughed, Remus just stared, imagining - wishing for - a life with her. A life that could never happen, because _she was with James. _Why that was so hard for him to comprehend, Remus didn't know, but it just never seemed to have any effect on his feelings whatsoever. Ever since that one night in seventh year, he'd looked at her differently.

Ever since that night he wished never had happened. Although it was wonderful - one of the best nights of his life, probably - it had made everything so _complicated. _Before then, she was just Lily Evans. Now, she was _Lily Evans._ The only girl he wanted, but the one he couldn't have.

So he pushed her to the back of his mind, and skillfully avoided most nights where he'd have to stay around her for some time, heavily relying on and cleverly playing on his lyncanthropy. Nobody seemed to notice, which was good - the last thing Remus needed was another lecture from Sirius about how he should _never _fancy Lily. The very thought of that night made Remus uncomfortable.

It was a dull evening. Nothing much had happened that day and there were no plans for that night; the mist had begun to roll in through the quiet streets on the outskirts of London. Sirius was snoring, Remus was flicking absentmindedly through the television channels, hoping mindlessly that something good would just materialize to watch. He yawned widely, giving him the look of a dog. He snorted a little at his own thought, flickering a glance to the real dog-animagus currently sleeping in the armchair on the other side of the room.

"REMUS! SIRIUS! ARE YOU HERE?"

The shout had come from the room next door to the one they were in - the one where the front door was. Remus heard the door slam and he immediately sat up, dropping his wand back in his pocket as he recognised the voice. Sirius jolted awake in the armchair, hitting himself in the face in the process and shouting something like "it wasn't my hippogriff!" as he realized he was no longer in the land of the unconscious. Remus chuckled slightly at his friend's panicked eyes as he calmed down, when all of a sudden his other friend burst like a madman through the door joining that room to the next.

"REMUS! SIRIUS!"

Despite the fact they were now all in the same room, James was still shouting at the top of his voice. He was panting heavily - he looked like he'd run all the way there. His black hair was even messier than usual and his glasses hung slightly lopsided on his face. There was a mad smile plastered across his face as he wheezed and leaned against the wall in an attempt to get his breath back.

"Remus... Sirius..."

Now Remus was quite scared. He jumped to his feet and ran to his friend's side. "James?" he asked, reaching one hand out to the other man's shoulder, "Slow down, mate. What's up?"

James looked up to him, still smiling like a maniac and his eyes slightly teary. Remus didn't know how to react, so he just stood, frowning slightly. James straightened his glasses and wiped his eyes as he caught his breath and made his way into the middle of the room. Remus re-took his seat on the sofa. Sirius looked just as concerned as he did.

"Seriously, mate," he said, eyeing James carefully, "Are you okay?"

James smiled at Sirius and looked as if he might hug him. His eyes were misty. "Never better, Padfoot, never better." He turned a full circle on the spot until he was facing Remus, giving him the look of an un-coordinated ballerina. Remus' frown only deepened. James smiled, if possible, wider.

"Why so grumpy, Moony?" James advanced towards Remus, "Turn that frown" he patted Remus' cheek, "Upside Down!"

Sirius was biting his lip in an attempt not to laugh, Remus was staring, dumbfounded, at James. "What the hell has happened?"

James still smiled. "She - oh, guys, you're not going to believe this!"

"Prongs! Get on with it, will you?"

James bit his lip, before shouting at the top of his voice. "SHE SAID YES!" He dropped to his knees and shouted to the ceiling, "_SHE SAID YES!"_

Remus' heart sank a little. She? That meant Lily. And as far as he knew, there was only one thing she could have said yes to...

"What?" Sirius was being thick, "Who said yes to what?"

"Oh, Pads!" James looked as if as he could burst into tears as he crawled over to Sirius, "Lily - _my _Lilyflower - she said yes!"

Sirius eyes grew wide as he understood. "What?! You can't - you don't mean - " he trailed away. James nodded. Sirius screamed like a girl as both men jumped to their feet and hugged like children, still jumping.

"Merlin's pants!" Sirius shouted, "You're gonna be - I mean, James - _you're getting married!"_

James screamed this time. Sirius turned to Remus. "Did you hear that Moony? Our Jamie is _all grown up!_"

Remus had heard. The words were repeating over and over in his head. She said yes. They were getting married. Lily and James. Married. It felt like someone had stabbed him in the stomach, like someone had squeezed his heart which was currently residing in his throat as furious tears stung the back of his eyes which he quickly blinked away. It was official. Lily loved James - she'd never love Remus. _Ever. _The searing heartache seemed to pulsate across his whole body as his mind spun, the words repeating over and over. He wanted to cry. He wanted to smash something. He wanted to be sick.

But he had to pretend. Nobody could ever know - he'd already decided that. Especially not now they were - no, it was best not to think about it. He forced a genuine-looking smile and got to his feet, his arms wide. "'Course I heard!" he yelled, as confidently and loudly as he could, "I'm so happy for you!"

And the two jumping men jumped towards him, embracing Remus in the group hug. After what seemed like days, they pulled apart, and Sirius began jumping again and James began rocking on his heels, still smiling, apparently unable to keep still. Sirius hit James on the shoulder.

"I didn't even know you were going to ask!"

James glanced to the floor. "Well," he said slowly, "I didn't want you to laugh at me when she said no."

Sirius burst out laughing. "But she didn't! SHE SAID YES! Ha-ha!" He hugged James again, a time when Remus was thankful for a moment where they couldn't see his face. He quickly ran his hand through his hair in an attempt to get some feeling - any feeling - back. He felt numb, all apart from the lingering nausea in his stomach. The two men before him pulled apart once more and Remus forced the smile back across his face. James ran his hand through his hair, Sirius and Remus looked on.

"Well," he said, "I think I'd better be getting back-"

"-to your FIANCÉ!" Sirius finished, laughing. James giggled.

"Yeah, to her."

He just stood there, staring blankly. Sirius was now rocking on his heels, biting his lip. He looked happier than James. After a minute of silence, he exploded. "GO!" he yelled, pushing James quite violently towards the door and leading him to the front exit. Remus collapsed back onto the sofa, dropping his head into his hands. He sighed.

Why did this happen to him? Why did _he _have to fall in love with the beautiful, fiery redhead who he couldn't have? James' girlfriend - no, James' fiancé. They were getting married.

His thoughts were interrupted by a bang of a door and an excited squeak from Sirius. Remus did not lift his head - he didn't have it in him to hold up the false pretences any longer. Sirius was babbling on about James and Lily, and it just made Remus' head spin and his nausea worsen. After a short while, Sirius seemed to notice, as his babbling gradually faded away.

"Moony?" He asked, slowly, "Are you - are you feeling okay?"

Remus lifted his head and Sirius recoiled a little. He could feel the colour draining from his face, his head was still spinning and all he could think about was Lily. Her eyes, her hair, her perfect smile... swirling around in his mind along with the picture of James and the words "SHE SAID YES!". Over and over and over...

"I think I'm going to be sick."

* * *

29th November 1979

"That's it Lily. It's just nerves."

Her mother stood behind her, holding back her already-styled-hair and all the bits of her dress that drooped forward infront of her. Lily had never felt so nervous - or sick - in her life.

Today was her wedding day. The day she was getting married. The day James became her husband.

Whatever way she thought about it, it didn't make it any less scary.

Or sickening.

"Oh - oh Lily, I can't hold your hair for much longer! It'll all fall out of place."

Lily didn't care. She didn't want to dress up any more. She didn't want walk down that aisle. She didn't want to see James' face smiling at the end of it.

No, she wanted -

_STOP! _she caught herself just in time. She frowned as she lifted her head.

Well, that was weird.

She hadn't thought about Remus in years. But his name had just popped into her mind. His face, his smile - his scars. And her feelings had just bubbled over. She frowned at herself again. Why was she thinking about him _now? _

Come to think of it, she hadn't seen him or spoke to him in years - not really, not a proper, friendly catch-up like they used to have. And she missed that. Maybe that was it; maybe she just missed him as a friend.

Then why was her stomach doing somersaults?

"Lily! You need to get a move on - poor James will be worried out of his mind!"

* * *

"To Mr. and Mrs. Potter - a lifetime of happiness!"

Remus was seriously amazed that Sirius hadn't gotten the champagne all over James' suit and Lily's dress. It was obviously a little more fizzy than he had expected, as it just squirted all over him instead, making the crowd erupt into raucous laughter.

But Remus didn't have it in him to laugh. Not on their wedding day - with Lily looking like _that. _And by 'that', he meant utterly, blindingly, mind-blowingly beautiful. The tight-fitting white fabric hugged her figure up until her hips, where it slid off her and fanned out into a princess-like ball gown, gathered up slightly at her hip and trailing behind her a little. The chest decorated with lace and encrusted diamontes, matching the small and neat tiara sitting atop her fiery red hair and the dangling earrings and necklace which lay on her pale, bare collarbone. She must have been freezing, but it didn't look like she cared. She smiled wider than Remus had ever seen her smile before, looking up to her new husband, excitement glittering in her emerald eyes, her porcelain face no longer obscured by the lace veil which now covered the back of her ornately styled hair.

Remus, on the other hand, didn't know whether to cry or throw up. He didn't even notice Sirius looking at him with suspicion in his eyes as the new couple kissed and Remus looked on a little too intently. As they pulled apart, music started, waiting for the couple to start their first dance. Remus slipped away from the crowd. No way would he watch that.

He ordered a drink from the bar, not honestly caring what the hell it was, and downed it in one. He ordered another as the sickeningly romantic music refused to zone out of his mind. He couldn't help but watch as they twirled around the dance floor, laughing and smiling and kissing every so often. They looked so happy, so in love. So perfect.

He should have been happy for James, he knew that. They'd been best friends since first year. He should have been up there in the crowd with Sirius and Peter, cheering madly and shouting and wolf-whistling as the music ended, barely able to contain his happiness for his best mate. But he couldn't stop thinking about the other half of the Potter couple.

He slid the empty glass back across the bar.

"Same again, please."

"No," a delicate hand touched his arm, "I'd like to talk to you, for a minute?"

His eyes slid to his right. Lily stood there, looking at him straight in the eyes, a soft, awkward smile playing with one end of her mouth. He swallowed audibly.

"Okay."

With her hand still on his arm, she led Remus out the back of the hall. The crisp, early spring wind whipped around them mercilessly, with no care for the fact that Lily was only in a wedding dress. The took a seat at a modest bench on the stone-flagged area, Lily carefully holding up her dress so as to not get it dirty. Despite the tuxedo and the dress, the scene strongly reminded Remus of one two years previous. He let out a soft laugh into the silence.

"Do you want my coat this time, too?"

Lily did not smile. She looked up to him, a look of almost pity in her eyes. "Remus," she began, but faltered, unsure what to say. He let her continue, standing in the silence with only the wind whistling in his ears.

"Where have you been?"

"At the bar," he said, shortly, sliding his eyes away, "You saw me. That's where we've just been, incase you forgot."

She rolled her eyes impatiently. "Stop being stupid, Remus. You know what I mean. You've been distant all day."

"Have I?" he asked, innocently, still not looking at her. He heard her sigh.

"Yes." She touched his arm again, he tried not to flinch, "What's the matter?"

He let out another soft laugh, "Oh, I don't know," he said, shrugging, his eyes dropping to his knees, "It's just a bit hard watching your best mate marry the only girl you've ever loved."

Silence fell. Lily withdrew her hand. They both stared into the quiet garden. After a while, Lily spoke quietly. "You don't love me, Remus."

For the first time in a while, he looked back to her. She looked up to him. He tried to speak with as much sincerity as he could. A soft breeze brushed one, thin, red curl across her cheek. He tucked it behind her ear. "Don't I?"

* * *

Of course not. She'd already established that, in her mind.

"No." Lily swallowed, the stinging prick of tears teasing the back of her eyes, "You never did. It was one night - one kiss. It never should have happened." she blinked slowly, ridding herself of the building tears. Why was this so hard? She loved James, not Remus. Her eyes fell to her lap; her long, black, artificially-lengthened lashes brushing against her now slightly rosy cheek. "Just forget about it."

This time, Remus reached out to her, his weathered hand brushing her bare arm. She didn't flinch, but rather raised her eyes to look at his hand momentarily before meeting his gaze. He spoke softly, quietly, slightly raspy; the exact same way he had spoken all those years ago. She'd never forgotten. "Are you saying there's no feeling there?"

She stared into his eyes, swearing that she could see building tears. There shouldn't have been any feeling there, she knew that. But there was that slight niggling sensation, deep inside, telling her to jump on him, to kiss him, to embrace him and never let go.

She had to ignore it. There was the stronger, washing feeling of love for James. She was happy with him. She'd always been happy with him. They laughed, they cried - she could talk to him about _anything. _

_So why can't I tell him no? _

She bit her lip and averted her eyes once more, a lump rising in her throat and tears forming once more. His hand never left her arm. "I'm married, Remus."

It slid down to her elbow before falling to her knee. She flickered her now watery gaze up to meet his, similarly teary stare. A soft shadow of his crooked smile drifted across his face. "I know that. Of course I know that."

They sat in silence for a while longer. She blinked, a tear fell. He raised one, rough finger to wipe it from her cheek. "Don't cry, Lils," he said softly, "You'll ruin your make-up."

She sniffed, clearing her tears. She couldn't look at him. "You were the one who ended it."

His hand was on her arm again, she turned to face him. He stared straight into her eyes, she lost herself in the green-hazel blend, picking out the golden flecks of amber highlighted by the setting sun. There were more since they were seventeen. He looked older - there were a few grey hairs just underneath his fringe where he had been running his hand through his hair. And he was only nineteen, going on twenty. He bit his lip, his eyes softened.

"I wish I never had."

Lily took a deep breath.

Suddenly, the back door of the hall swung open. Both residents of the bench snapped their heads up to see who it was.

Sirius took up the entire doorframe with the way he was standing. He looked ready for a fist-fight; shoulders wide, fists clenched and a snarl across his face as his advanced towards them.

"Lily," he almost growled, "get back in there. It's your wedding day, for Merlin's sake. James is worried sick."

She did as she was told, gathering her dress back up and heading for the door. As she approached it, she risked one last look at Remus over her shoulder. He was looking up to Sirius, but his gaze fell long enough to catch her eye. He took a deep breath.

Unfortunately, Sirius noticed. He wheeled around to face Lily. "Go, will you?!"

And so she did, leaving the two men in the biting wind and shutting the door behind her, leaning against it and closing her eyes with only one face in her mind.

Remus. Teary, scarred, broken-hearted Remus.

And it was all her fault.

* * *

Sirius snarled at him. Remus didn't like being on this end of his legendary anger.

"Did anything happen?"

Remus scoffed. "What do you mean, _did anything happen_?"

Sirius cocked his head to one side. "Did you kiss her?"

Remus narrowed his eyes. "When? Now, or two years ago? Two years ago - yes, but she kissed me. Now - obviously not."

Sirius flared his nostrils and looked down at Remus in disgust. "She's _married, _you know. To _James._"

He smiled, his hands wide, his nostrils also flared. "Don't you think I know that? Don't you think _she _knows that? Don't you think that's the very reason I didn't kiss her?"

"So you wanted to?"

"Oh, why are you here, Sirius? Because if you're just going to-"

"I want to know what you've got to say for yourself!" The volume was increasing now, the wind brushing his hair in the wrong direction. Remus leapt to his feet, his arms out and his eyes narrowed.

"What do you _want _me to say? That I love her? That, actually, I'm so heart-achingly, catastrophically in love with her that I can't stop thinking about her for long enough to congratulate my best mate on his wedding day? Is that what you want to hear?"

Sirius was shaking his head. "Exactly. Your _best mate. _How could you do this to him?"

"I can't help falling in love, Sirius!"

He dropped his head, his long hair falling across his face. After a moment, he brushed it out of the way and looked up to Remus. "You aren't in love with her."

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" He was full-blown shouting now, which was surprising - Remus almost never lost his temper, "You don't know how I'm feeling! You can't understand how I can barely breathe when she's around, or how my stomach flips when I see her! How my throat drys up whenever I so much as _think _about her - which, as I believe I've said, is all the bloody time-"

"Stop!" Sirius was shouting too, "Shut _up, _will you?" He advanced towards Remus, finger pointing right into his face. They were nearly the same height - Sirius was a little taller. He was inches away from Remus - Remus could feel his breath on his face. His voice was threateningly low. "You have _no _right to be in love with Lily. She is _married _to _James. _So you had better get over her. Fast." He pushed Remus fiercely back onto the bench and stormed away, only stopping to look at Remus over his shoulder. A particularly fierce gust of wind blew his hair across his face once more. When it settled, he spoke again, the foulest of venom dripping from his words.

"Don't even think about coming back in here until you've sorted yourself out, Lupin. If you can't come back and be a civil adult, then just clear off." He snarled at Remus, "Nobody wants you here, anyway." He narrowed his eyes, "Especially not Lily."

And with that, he stalked inside, slamming the door behind him. Remus had never felt more of a werewolf in his life. There was too much emotion fizzing around in his head - love, anger, hate, frustration, overwhelming and choking depression.

He grabbed the nearest garden ornament and threw it as far as he could. It flew through the air in a perfectly straight line right to the other end of the garden, smashing loudly into dozens of shards of ceramic as it hit the wall, coinciding with Remus' angry and painful yell. Tears streamed down his cheeks as his heart thundered against his chest, wanting, _needing _to break free. The wind blew mercilessly across his wet-streaked face, blowing his fringe across his eyes as he fell to his knees and looked to the sky, giving him the look of a madman. When the wind died, he collapsed into his tears and his head fell heavily into his hands, sobbing quietly in the silent garden as the unknowing party and muffled bass-line continued inside the hall.

After what felt like days, he stood up and left through the back gate, leaving all of his things inside the hall. He couldn't face them all. Not now. Nor, he doubted, ever again.

* * *

"Where's Moony?"

Sirius looked up into his smiling friend's face. He'd never looked happier - he positively shone from the light of his own ear-to-ear beam. His smile did, however, falter upon the realization that one Remus Lupin wasn't present at the celebrations.

_Typical, _thought Sirius, _he's not even here and he's ruining the wedding. _

"He was feeling ill," Sirius lied, "I think he went home." James began to frown.

"Oh, is he alright?"

Sirius brushed the question away. "He's fine. Let's get a drink."

He honestly didn't care whether Remus Lupin was fine or not.

The man should never have been in love with Lily.

Lily Potter.

And Sirius wasn't going to let anything ruin his best mate's happiness.


	4. Harry

**Hi guys!  
Right, I got a review of someone called X. I really really wanted to reply to it but it was anonymous, so here's my reply;  
Firstly, thankyou so so so much for your review. It was a really really good review, if you get me. Criticsm etc. It was good. So thanks for that. I don't have a beta, and I don't know how to get one, so I'm really sorry for any typos. Also, just to clear up some stuff, Sirius doesn't hate Remus, he just likes James better, so he doesn't want him to get hurt. Those words were thought in mad anger, so yeah, cut him some slack :) But yeah, I'm glad you picked up on where this is going - this is like one of the first stories I've had a plan for, so yeah, I'm glad someone else can see that :D Thanks again.  
Okay guys, that's it. Thanks to my other reviewer, the girl that was wooed by tom riddle, and to all my readers. You make me smile like this XD.  
****Here's the next chapter now, I'll stop rambling- **

_Chapter Four - Harry_

Remus had stayed in bed for days after that out of sheer depression. Sirius hadn't spoken to him once. It had taken weeks for their friendship to rekindle. Remus wasn't surprised that Sirius had flipped, though. It was the hardest thing imaginable for Remus to pick between Sirius and James, but he was sure they wouldn't think twice about choosing each other over him. They were like brothers - he was just their friend. But he was happy with that, usually. It was on occasions such as this where Sirius got all defensive where Remus wished he wasn't in that situation. It had taken a long talk for them to sort things out.

But when they had, Remus convinced Sirius that he was indeed over Lily.

Despite the fact he really wasn't, but that was beside the point.

So he went back to his routine of ignoring it, and avoiding her. It was inconspicuous enough - it had worked once, why shouldn't it again? He could just carry on like that, pretending to be ill what felt like every other day for months on end until another big, 'happy' announcement came along and knocked Remus blindly off his feet, plunging him back into the depths of depression and being able to think of nothing but Lily Evans - no, Lily _Potter. _He had to remember that.

That day came on the 30th December, 1979, about a month after the wedding. Remus and Sirius were once again, sitting in their flat, bored. Nothing was planned for new year - they'd probably all just go out to some muggle club, get blind drunk and not be able to find their own way home again - maybe with Sirius ending up in a dog pound again somewhere along the line.

But this time, James had just rang them. Remus had picked up the phone, seeing as Sirius was sleeping, as per usual.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Remus? Is that you?"

"Hey James. Yeah, it's me. What's up? You never use the phone."

"I've-" he giggled "-well, that is to say _we've _got some news."

Remus' stomach dropped a little. Last time this had happened, Lily and James had got married. He took a deep - hopefully silent - breath. Surely, nothing could be worse than that? "Yeah? Go on, then."

"Is Sirius there?"

"He's asleep."

James giggled again. "Oh, well you'll have to wake him up."

"Now? I hate waking him up. Last time he nearly bit my hand off."

He laughed. "Well then, lets just hope your mad cheering wakes him up."

"My mad cheering? James, what's going on?"

"Oh, mate - it hasn't really sunk in yet - I mean, I've only just found out myself..."

"You really are an idiot, James."

"What? Why?"

"Just get on with it, will you? The suspense is killing me." Remus was smiling now, despite the empty feeling in his midriff. There was no doubt about it - James was his best friend, he could always make him smile. Just so long as Lily wasn't with him.

There was a pause. "Oh, Remus!" James' voice was squeaky.

"JAMES!" Remus shouted, jolting Sirius awake. "Whassgoinon?" Remus silenced him with a wave of his hand, as James started babbling on the other end of the phone.

"...and then she was like, 'I don't know how to say this,' and I was like 'come on Lils, you can tell me anything', and then she did - and oh, mate, I'm so...well, I don't know to tell you the truth, I mean, as I said, it hasn't really sunk in-"

"JUST TELL ME!"

"Lily's pregnant, Remus."

"Oh dear lord."

Remus dropped the phone. Apparently he was wrong about the whole 'not being worse' thing.

* * *

31st July, 1980

"How long do you think it'll be now?"

Remus shrugged. He didn't care. He didn't want to be in that stupid hospital, waiting for the new arrival, present at this so-called 'happy event'. Well, Remus didn't feel very happy. There was no way back now. With a child, there was no way that Lily would ever return his feelings. He should have known that once they were married, but there was always that little flicker of hope still burning at the back of his mind, like one candle in a vast, dark, pessimistic expanse. Now, however, that candle had simply fizzled out.

Sirius groaned. "I'm so bored."

"Tell me about it."

"Where the hell is Peter?"

Remus shrugged again. They'd been at the hospital for what felt like an eternity - but what was, in reality, around 6 hours. James had disappeared off with Lily in maternity as soon as they had got there, and so Sirius and Remus had been left to amuse themselves, waiting for the final marauder to show his face. The fact was, he never did. Remus had noticed that Peter had been growing more and more distant over the last few months, but, as always, nobody seemed to care. He was never all that interesting anyway.

Sirius sighed and looked up to the clock. He started clicking his tongue in time with the second hand. The noise ground away at the already over-tired and hurting mind of Remus Lupin. It was 2.00 in the bloody morning. He bit his tongue in an attempt to keep his temper, but in the end, he snapped.

"Shut up, Padfoot. You're so bloody annoying."

Sirius giggled. "Sorry, mate. I'm just so _bored_."

Remus rolled his eyes. "I gathered."

They sat in silence from then on.

That is, until about half an hour later, when the double doors burst open from the ward into the corridor where they were sitting with a very loud crash. In the doorway stood James Potter - tie slung over his shoulder and hair glued to his forehead, glasses lopsided and a mad, wolfish smile plastered across his face, screwing up his teary eyes. Sirius looked on in keen anticipation, a smile spreading on his face. Remus looked up too, finding it within himself to be happy for his friend, temporarily forgetting all about Lily and thinking only of his friend's good news.

James wiped away one tear and yelled at the top of his voice, not caring for the welfare of the other sleeping residents of the hospital.

"IT'S A BOY!"

Both Sirius and Remus jumped to their feet, practically running over to James and strangling him in a hug which almost knocked him off his feet. They, too, cared not for the sleeping habits of the rest of the maternity ward.

"Oh my god! Oh James!"

"You're a Dad, mate! Good lord!"

"Who does he look like?"

James ran his hand through his hair. "Lily says he looks like me - but he's definitely got her eyes-"

"I feel sorry for the kid already, genes like that."

James smacked Sirius upside the head. "Shut up." Sirius smiled sheepishly, Remus punched James on the shoulder. "Oh mate," he said, finding the happiness surprisingly easy, "I'm so happy for you!" All three men laughed, and Sirius spoke next, already heading for the door.

"Can we see him?"

James shook his head. "Not yet. He's early, so they need to do some tests or something. But the doctor said he's probably fine. They've even kicked me out - that's why I'm here-"

"Are you saying you wouldn't have come and told us anyway?"

"Shut up Moony! Merlin. Anyway, yeah, they kicked me out - said I should go and get a coffee or something-"

At that moment, the doors opened again, less fiercely. All three men turned to see who it was.

"Mr. Potter, you're allowed back-"

James nearly knocked the nurse off her feet as he ran past her, practically pushing her into the door. Laughing, Remus and Sirius made to follow, but she held up her hand.

"Sorry," she said, "but only the parents are allowed in at the moment. You'll be allowed in later."

They sighed. Sirius turned to Remus.

"Well then, shall we sit down again?"

Remus smiled as he sat back down on the radiator he had been sitting on for the past hour.

* * *

"Oh, Lily - he's so beautiful..." James' voice trailed away.

Lily couldn't stop smiling, watching her husband and newborn son pacing the floor next to where she lay. She was shattered - that was true, but she couldn't close her eyes for long enough to go to sleep. She couldn't stop staring at her wonderful, beautiful, baby boy.

Harry James Potter.

The name was just as lovely as he was. James had insisted on getting his name in there somewhere, and Lily had to agree. It had a lovely ring to it.

Harry James Potter.

"Aw, Lils - he's going to sleep." James came and sat down next to her bed so that they could both watch him sleep. She sighed.

"Who'd have thought it, hey?"

"What?" James asked quietly, "That the two of us could make something as beautiful as him?" He smiled across to Lily. She smile back.

"No - well, yes. But that's not what I was thinking of." She took a pause and put her hand on his shoulder, "We're parents, James."

A tear slid down James' cheek. Lily giggled. "You've cried more than I have."

He looked over to her and laughed softly. "I'm a big wuss, really. The hard-man was just an act." Lily giggled as they both looked back at Harry, sleeping in James' arms. After a short silence, James spoke again, very quietly.

"We need to sort out the godfather."

Lily nodded. She knew they did. She knew who James would pick. She had no problems with Sirius.

James sighed. "I was thinking of Remus."

She did, however, have a small problem with Remus. Her stomach dropped a little. She'd forgotten altogether that he would even be there. The first time they'd seen each other properly since their lovely garden chat at the wedding. She shuddered at the thought.

That day - her wedding day - he'd told her that he loved her.

No godfather should be in love with their godson's mother. It just wasn't right, as Remus would put it.

"Really?"

James nodded. "I mean, he's so much more...sensible than Sirius. I mean, I love him and everything - but I think Sirius would be a bad influence, don't you?" he chuckled softly and looked over to Lily.

_Yes, _she thought, _but so is Remus. _

A werewolf who happened to be in love with her. Not the best candidate for a godfather. She couldn't let herself and Harry be around him too much. The last thing she wanted was a repeat of the awkward conversations they had shared where she completely denied all feelings for the man, whilst her heart was doing somersaults at the thought of a life with him. She hated that. She loved James. Not Remus. Never Remus.

James obviously noticed the concern in her eyes. "Don't you agree, Lils?"

Slowly, she shook her head. "I think Sirius would be good."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I mean - Remus can be too sensible at times." She knew her reasons were feeble, and obviously so did James. He knew there was something more.

"Is there a problem between you and Remus? I mean, you don't talk nearly as much as you did at school."

She tried to shrug it off. "We've grown apart, I guess."

James sighed, glancing down at Harry. "Well, you're the boss," he looked up to her, "Sirius it is."

And even as he said it, Lily regretted her decision.

* * *

"Oh, James - " Sirius' eyes were filling up with tears, " I ... oh, mate - I'd be absolutely _honoured._"

Remus smiled. He didn't really care that Sirius was godfather. He'd expected it. They always chose each other.

"Shall we hug it out?" James asked, smiling, arms wide.

A crying, nodding Sirius accepted the embrace. They pulled apart, Sirius sniffed. He knew he shouldn't, but Remus had to bite his lip to stop himself laughing. The whole thing was just so _dramatic. _They pulled apart, Sirius wiping his tears and James smiling.

"So," he said, "do you want to meet your godson?"

Sirius began to sob again as James directed him through the double doors, before turning back to Remus. He sighed.

"Coffee?"

"Sounds good to me."

They walked in silence to the canteen, which wasn't far away. Remus ordered two coffees and James got a table. They sat down and each took a sip, finishing said gulp with a long "aaah". James ran his hand through his hair.

"I. Am. Shattered."

Remus let out a soft laugh. "Me too. Trust your son to only want to come out at half two in the bloody morning."

James laughed too, and took another sip of coffee. He eyed Remus wearily, before sighing. "Listen, mate," he said, slowly, "I - I'm sorry about the whole 'godfather' thing-"

Remus silenced him with a wave of his hand, swallowing the burning hot coffee a little too quick. "Don't worry about it," he said, a little raspy from the burning throat, "I don't mind. Sirius will be a great godfather."

James nodded. "Lets hope."

"You're not sure?" Remus raised one eyebrow.

James looked him straight in the eye after pondering it for a minute. "To tell you the truth, Moony, I wasn't going to pick him at all."

Remus put his mug down. "What do you mean?"

"It was Lily's idea - I said it should be you."

And James raised the coffee to his lips once more. Remus stared at his - his thirst had gone completely. His stomach dropped slightly as all thoughts of Lily returned to his head. She'd picked Sirius over him. And he had a good idea why.

"Did she say why?"

James shook his head and checked his watch. "I should be getting back - see if Sirius has stopped crying yet." He laughed, Remus didn't. He told James he'd follow him up and finish his coffee. Once he was out of earshot, Remus let out a long, heavy sigh.

He didn't care that Sirius was Harry's godfather. But the fact was that Lily wanted to keep him away from her and her baby, and he knew that. That's what hurt. The only woman he'd ever loved actually took action to keep him away. The only woman he couldn't love. Not now she had a son.

But it's not like he would have _done _anything. He wouldn't have acted on his feelings, even as Harry's godfather. Why she didn't understand that, he didn't know.

He had to talk to her.

***

She was holding him in her arms when he walked in. Thankfully, James and Sirius were nowhere to be seen. She did a double take when she saw him, and put Harry back in his cot before returning to her bed.

"Remus." Her face was blank.

"Lily." He sniffed, unsure what to say. He settled on "Congratulations, by the way."

She nodded, but she didn't smile. Now she was just being rude.

After some silence, he spoke again. "Why are you being like this?"

Her eyes flickered up to meet his. "Like what?"

"So -" he struggled to find the words, "Oh, I don't know."

More silence.

"Why did you convince James to pick Sirius over me?"

Her eyes glinted; she obviously didn't think he'd find out. Her head cocked to one side - this attitude didn't suit her. "Jealous, are we?"

Remus shook his head, laughing softly. "Of course not. It's your reasons I'm more interested in. They're what hurt."

"I thought Sirius would be better." She said, simply. Remus laughed again.

"Oh, come on, Lils - Sirius? Seriously?" he shook his head, and silence fell as he took a seat next to her. "It's not like I would have _done _anything, Lily."

Her eyes fell to her knees. She scoffed. "I don't know that, do I? I don't want Harry growing up not knowing who his father is."

"What's that meant to mean?"

She looked up and stared him straight in the eyes. "Lets face it, you'd be around more than James."

Ouch. Anger flared up inside of Remus. "Is that what you think of me? That I'm some lovesick, mindless puppy who is so desperate to see you I can't be away from you for more than five seconds?"

Lily laughed. "You were the one who said you were _in love._" She spat the last words out like poison, a mocking tone playing heavily on her voice and a venomous fire in her eyes. Remus narrowed his eyes. This wasn't like Lily.

"Stop putting on a stupid act, Lily."

She laughed, a little hysterically. "This isn't an act!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Sure it isn't."

"I don't care about you, Remus."

The words echoed in his head, a painful, bleeding sensation in his heart as it broke clean in two. He spoke softly, a lump rising in his throat as her words finally sunk in and tears teased the back of his eyes. He knew she didn't love him, but this - well, this was a bit strong. "What?"

She swallowed audibly, her eyes shining in the dim light of the ward as she stared at her knees. She didn't say anything.

"Lily?" his voice cracked as he spoke.

The door of the room creaked open. Typically, Sirius stood in the doorway, a suspicious look in his eyes. He shot Remus a venomous glance before turning to the miserable-looking Lily, his eyes softening. Remus fell back in the chair.

Nothing had happened. Infact, Remus was the one Sirius should have been feeling sorry for.

However, it was Lily he asked. "Everything okay?

She nodded and looked sideways to Remus through her eyelashes. "Yeah," she said quietly, "Remus was just leaving."

He stared straight into her eyes. The effect was that of a silent conversation. In those eyes he saw Lily - _his _Lily, the girl he had fallen in love with all those years ago, the girl who had kissed him on that night by the lake. She looked innocent, naive, much like her tinkling laugh - he prayed to hear her laugh one more time, for things to be like they were before. When they were friends, when everything was easy and simple. When Remus could visit Lily without his mouth drying up and feeling like he was betraying his best friend. But, of course, it could never be like that again. Ever. That night and it's repercussions had changed them both - and neither for the better. Lily was the deer, the lamb, the unwilling and innocent participant and Remus was the animal who wouldn't let go. That's what Sirius thought, anyway. He could tell that.

But it wasn't like that. Remus wasn't an animal. He was in love. Mindlessly, heart-achingly, head-over-heels in love. And he couldn't help that. But Lily wasn't innocent either. She had initiated the kiss that night - the only proof he desperately held on to that there was, once, feeling there.

And now they were both broken-hearted. He felt like he could just curl up and die without her. And he could see in that moment, shining in her eyes that she felt the same, if not so melodramatically.

And he realised that he could never truly be happy for James, not while he still loved her. He could never ever be around them all together, he couldn't enjoy the time they spent without his heart feeling like lead in his tightened chest. He could pretend - oh yes, and if he was lucky it would maybe last a month or more. But then something would happen - a marriage, a pregnancy, something seen as overwhelmingly 'good news' for the happy couple. Something which Remus saw as just another depressing reminder that he could never have the only thing he ever truly wanted.

If Lily wasn't going to admit that she loved him, then fine. He wasn't going to wait around for something that he knew would never come.

He stood up, stopping momentarily over the sleeping baby. His face and her eyes smiling up at him. He smiled softly back, wiping a tear from his eyes.

"Yeah," he said quietly, glancing at Lily, "I'm going."

And with that, he left, confident in the knowledge that he had to distance himself from everything and everyone he'd ever known.


	5. Arising Suspicions

**HEY! :D Here we are again. Chapter Five. Thanks for reading, and reviewing. I'm glad that Sirius and Lily are annoying you. They're annoying me too - and I wrote them like that! Haha. Anyway, thanks again - don't forget to review. This isn't the best chapter, but yeah.  
-update-  
Thanks to Becky Warburton, who informed me that the Longbottoms couldn't have been tortured yet. But yeah, she's so clever. So, now I can rest assured that my story is canon-correct. Thanks :) **

**Here it is - **

_Chapter Five - Arising Suspicions. _

"Are you sure you're okay with this?"

"Lily, relax. We can handle him without you. Just go - have a good time."

James kissed Lily on the cheek. As they pulled apart, she looked down to her son, in Sirius' arms. Sirius gently lifted Harry's arm and waved it slightly, making Lily giggle.

"Bye bye Harry." She waved back. The baby giggled.

She kissed James again, and he began to lead her to the door. "Now, remember," Sirius heard her say, "there's milk in the fridge, nappies in the drawer - I've got my phone, if you need me-"

"We'll be fine, Lils. We're two grown men!"

"Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of."

"Hey!" Sirius shouted from the living room, "I heard that!"

He heard Lily laugh, then the couple say their last goodbyes. The door shut with a bang, and James appeared in the doorway. Sirius smiled.

"Now what?"

James ran his hand through his hair, looking down at the baby in Sirius' arms. "Haven't the faintest clue."

Sirius giggled, looking around the room. His eyes rested on the cot in the corner. A lightbulb lit in his head.

"He's a baby, right?"

James' brow furrowed. "I had noticed."

Sirius shot his friend a mocking smile. "Yeah," he continued, "but babies sleep a lot."

"Where are you going with this?"

"Let's just get him to sleep, then we won't really have to do anything!"

James ran his hand through his hair and checked the clock on the wall. "It's not his naptime-"

"Shut up, James." Sirius said, getting to his feet and walking over to the cot, "Harry doesn't know that."

"But Lily-"

"Lily isn't here." He smiled in a very marauder-ish way.

James laughed softly as Sirius put Harry in his cot. "Pads, mate," he said as Sirius walked back over, "I'm not taking the rap for this when she gets back."

Sirius smiled. "I know."

With that, they both collapsed onto opposite sofas. James sighed. "Now what?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Don't start." James let out a soft giggle before silence fell again.

After a while, James spoke again in an attempt to start a conversation. "Where's Remus?"

"Not here."

"Never."

Sirius smiled, then shrugged. "He said he was busy."

James seemed to ponder this for a moment, before frowning slightly. Sirius frowned back. "What's up?"

The man sighed and looked over to Sirius, confusion in his deep hazel eyes. "It's just," he seemed to stumble on his words, "don't you think - you know, Remus, don't you think he's been a bit ... distant, lately?"

Sirius' eyebrows rose steadily. There was no doubt about it, James was right. Ever since Harry had been born, Remus had definitely kept his distance from them all. He didn't come out nearly as often as he used to, and he barely ever visited Harry. Infact, the baby only just recognized him. Whereas when Sirius walked into the room, Harry would smile or lift his arms, it would take him a while to even recognize that Remus was there - which wasn't normal, seeing as Remus was James' best friend. But he just hadn't been around. And Sirius couldn't figure out why.

In a sudden brainwave, Sirius thought of a reason which could explain it all.

He quickly pushed it to the back of his mind. _No, _he thought, _it can't be that. Remus' feelings for Lily had died long ago - Sirius had made sure of that._

Even if they hadn't, Sirius doubted that it would have gotten in the way of anything, or at least had the opposite effect. Surely, if Remus was in love with Lily, he'd want to see more of her, not avoid her altogether?

No, it couldn't be that.

James sighed again. "I wonder what's bothering him."

"Well, if he was here, we could ask him."

"Aren't you clever," James smiled, Sirius scowled, James continued, "but that's the problem, isn't it? He's not here. He's never here."

There was a pause, then James spoke again. "I'm sure there's a valid reason."

Sirius looked over to him. He really didn't know what to expect of Remus any more.

"Let's hope."

* * *

Dumbledore looked serious. Deadly serious. More serious than James had ever seen him.

They sat - him, Lily, Sirius and Harry - facing him, in the Potter's living room, all in silence, waiting for him to announce whatever he had come to say. Because up until then, he hadn't told them. They had no clue why he was even there.

"I bet you're wondering why you're here - or, rather, why _I'm _here." Dumbledore looked James straight in the eye. It was as if the man had read his mind. He hated that.

"Yeah, actually." Lily shot Sirius a look, but he just shrugged, "What? We are."

Dumbledore nodded, but he did not smile. "I'm sorry to tell you it isn't good news."

James frowned. "What do you mean?"

The old man's clear blue eyes met James'. They were lacking of their usual playful twinkle. They too, were deadly serious. The expression made James shiver a little. Dumbledore spoke again, his voice as grave as his face.

"Voldemort is moving his way through the order."

The news was terrible, but by no means new. It wasn't hard to tell - many of the members of the Order of the Phoenix were already dead, murdered by Voldemort himself, leaving a trail of death and destruction in his wake. The numbers in the order were seriously dwindling - a gloomy, awkward cloud seemed to hang over every meeting, each member surveying each other, questioning who was next.

Alas, Dumbledore had yet to finish. He had just been taking a pause. "I know you know that. But," he sighed; whatever it was was obviously difficult to say, "I have reason to believe he's moved on to you."

There was a ringing silence. James felt sick as his entire world came crashing down on top of him. Voldemort was after _him. _And Voldemort always - _always _got his man.

A lump rose in his throat but he swallowed it back down, not allowing himself to cry infront of so many people. Still, he didn't allow himself to speak.

On the other sofa, Sirius frowned so that his whole face creased up. "Who?"

"Lily and James - well, more specifically, Harry."

James' grip momentarily loosened on his wife's shoulders.

No, he couldn't have heard that right.

_Harry? _As in, the baby? _His _baby?

Under his arm, Lily's eyes were as wide as saucers. "Harry?!" she almost screamed, echoing James' thoughts, but he still didn't allow himself to speak for fear of the tears spilling out. Lily, however, didn't care. Her tears began to build in her eyes as she hugged Harry far too tightly and continued, still shouting, her voice unnaturally high. "But," she couldn't find the right words, but nobody dared cut in "- but he's just a baby! Why -" her voice was lost behind her sobs. She started crying into James' shoulder and he stroked her hair - still fighting the tears valiantly.

But he didn't care about the tears now. He finished Lily's question for her - the question which everyone in the room wanted to know the answer to.

"What does Voldemort want with our baby?"

Dumbledore sighed once more, glancing at Harry before looking James straight in the eyes once more. James returned the stare. "There was a prophecy - it resides in the ministry, now, but Voldemort knows of it."

"And it's about Harry?"

"It speaks of a boy born at the fall of July. A boy who will have the power to defeat him once and for all."

James shook his head and let out a short, harsh laugh. "That's a load of rubbish-" he said, his voice low, "everybody knows that divination crap is all a load of rubbish-"

"James," Dumbledore cut in, "If there weren't _some _trustworthy predictions now and then, we wouldn't be teaching it at Hogwarts. And I can assure you - this prophecy is most definitely genuine." He looked down to Lily, who was looking to him, her eyes already red and puffy and still leaking hot tears which streaked down her cheeks. She sniffed, Dumbledore blinked slowly before looking to her. "I'm sorry - I truly, really am-"

"Is that all you can say?!" Sirius, who James had all but forgotten about, had come to life. He was standing, shoulders wide, facing Dumbledore, towering over the old man menacingly and glaring at him with such ferocity that even James would have recoiled under his fiery glare. Dumbledore, however, didn't flinch, and instead looked up to him - calm, blue eyes meeting blazing grey. He just sat there. This, obviously, wasn't enough for Sirius.

"_Voldemort is AFTER THEM!" _he yelled at the top of his voice, the silence between his outbursts only broken by Lily's sobs, "And that's all you can say? 'I'm sorry'? Thats PATHETIC! Don't you _care? _Don't you understand - he's coming! They- they-"

"Pads, mate," James had one hand on either shoulder, Sirius wheeled around to face him. The fire in his eyes was tainted with the welling tears which James was sure were mirrored in his own eyes. Sirius sniffed and shook his head. "I just -" he was tripping on his words as angry tears began to fall, "you - Lily - you're," he sniffed again, looking to Lily, who was whispering to Harry absentmindedly, her tears falling onto him. Turning back to Sirius, he saw his friend in a similar state. He gestured to Dumbledore behind him, his voice cracking as he shouted even louder than before. "And he - he doesn't even _care_!"

Before anyone could say anything else, Harry woke up. The shouting was too much. He cried - along with everyone else in the room. But his tears were not that of fear - his were the innocent, naive tears that only came because he'd been woken up. James sniffed.

He couldn't hold back his own tears any longer as he made his way back to his wife and son, and they began to fall down his cheeks - hot, salty tears of the uttermost fear and depression that James had never even thought possible, as the whole situation hit him like a brick wall. And it hurt. It hurt like hell. It felt as if his insides had been crushed - he could hardly breath. And in all of this, Harry still cried.

James sat down next to them, running his finger down the baby's body. He sniffed. "Hey," he said, too quietly, his voice cracking, as the baby's cries quietened at the presence of his father. The baby found his finger, holding on tightly. James didn't have it in him to smile. Lily sobbed beside him, her whole body shaking. He pulled her closer, far too tightly - hoping, wishing, _needing _to never, ever let go. His life was so perfect - too perfect; Lily, Harry - he'd never been happier. He wanted it to last forever. His tears fell into her hair as he rocked them both gently, biting his lip in a desperate attempt to stop his tears. It didn't work. They still fell. They wouldn't stop. His mind was racing - the same thing over and over.

Voldemort was after them.

Him, Lily and Harry.

There was no hope.

They were going to die.

James had all but forgotten the rest of the room - the rest of existence, as he held Lily close, despite the fact that Sirius' furious sobs were louder than his and Lily's. But a cough from the opposite end of the room brought him back to reality.

Everyone looked up. Dumbledore sat, quite calmly, at the other end of the room. He wasn't crying, he wasn't sad - he wasn't _anything. _He was just ... sitting.

Sirius' temper was at worst when he cried. "What?!"

Dumbledore regarded him calmly. "There is still hope." He said, simply.

James' heart caught in his throat as he held Lily even tighter. He felt her lift her head to look at Dumbledore, sure she was wearing the same expression of confusion, shock and doubt that he was.

But Dumbledore was always right. Everyone knew that.

"What?"

He looked to James, staring him straight in the eyes. As the old man spoke, James lifted his glasses and wiped away his fading tears with his sleeve. The flickering opportunity of hope had dried them up.

"We've caught him early. I only know this because I have been told - and I've never been told before. This man - he's a death eater, seeking remorse-"

Sirius snorted, cutting him short. "Death Eaters don't feel remorse. They don't feel anything."

"This man does. Trust me - he came to me with only one wish, and that was of saving you." He looked back to Lily and James. James couldn't believe his ears.

There was_ hope_?

"There is a charm - the Fidelius Charm, perhaps you are familiar with it. You will be hidden - from everything, from everyone - nobody will know where you are - except one person. Your Secret-Keeper. The only way for someone else to find out where you are is if they tell them."

James felt like crying again.

There was actually _hope? _

"But - there's something else you should know."

Lily sniffed as she looked at Dumbledore. "What?"

"My source - he told me that Voldemort is seeking you - but, he told me something else." For the first time in a while, the old man faltered. James frowned.

"What?"

Dumbledore looked up to him before taking a deep breath.

"There is reason to believe there is a spy in your midst. Don't trust anyone unless you're sure you can."

At the other end of the room, Sirius' head snapped up so fiercely it should have been clean off his shoulders.

* * *

It was so clever, so obvious - so painful to think of it as the truth.

But it had to be. There was no other explanation.

There was an epiphany moment - the answer had come to Sirius in all of half a second. It all made sense. Everything fitted.

Everything.

James returned to the living room, the redness in his face fading. Sirius didn't have any tears left. It was all so clear now.

James sat down next to Lily before he spoke. "Well," he said, "do you want to tell us what's going on?"

"I know who the spy is."

There was a ringing silence. James' brow furrowed - Lily's eyes narrowed. She unpursed her lips to speak.

"Who?"

Sirius swallowed. He couldn't believe he was actually going to say it. But it had to be. It made too much sense. It explained everything. Taking a deep breath, he bit his lip, before speaking more confidently than he had expected.

"Remus."

Lily didn't react. James shook his head, eyes narrow. But he didn't laugh. "No," he said, shortly, "No - definitely not. It can't be."

"You sound like you're trying to convince yourself."

"I don't need to. It isn't Remus. He's our - he just wouldn't. He couldn't!"

Sirius shook his head slowly. "Think about it."

And James looked as if he was. Lily's face was blank, she looked down to Harry in her arms. Sirius took it upon himself to explain his reasoning.

"This is why he's been so distant lately - can't you see? He's been visiting his 'Dark Lord'," he spat the words out like a foul taste resided on them, "taking orders, carrying out little jobs here and there. He won't come near us any more - thinks we're below him. I haven't seen him. He doesn't want us to see his mark."

James was shaking his head. "He's not a pure-blood."

"Not all of them are!" Sirius said, not completely believing he was actually going to say his next thought. But he had to. It was another reason. He spoke quietly, his voice low in pitch.

"Some of them," he said, "have other - more _valuable -_ qualities."

Silence fell again. James' eyes grew wide as he understood. Lily remained staring at Harry.

"You're not - you can't seriously mean..." his voice trailed away.

"There's no getting away from it, James. I know we've tried." he paused, looking James straight in the eyes, "But his kind are listed in the Defence against the _Dark Arts _books. They wouldn't be in there for no reason. It's in his blood. In his kind."

"Remus isn't like the rest-"

"James!" Sirius was losing his temper, "Stop being an idiot, will you? Open your eyes! _He's _the one who hasn't been around the last 8 months. _He's _the one who we both know we don't really know properly anymore. James - _he's _the werewolf. They're all like that. People wouldn't say it otherwise, would they?"

James couldn't look at him any more. "If Remus could hear you now-"

"But that's exactly it!" Sirius shouted, "He can't! He's. Not. Here. He's never here! He's left us! _He's switched sides!_"

James looked up to him. Their eyes met. After a while, James sighed running his hand through his hair.

He believed him.

"Listen, James," Sirius said, softer, "I know this is hard. It's just as hard for me too - he's my _best mate," _he paused, looking James straight in the eyes once more, "but you're my brother. I'm not risking losing you for the sake of him - when I know I'm right."

More silence. It could have lasted for days. During it, Sirius retook his place on the sofa and held his head in his hands.

"It'll have to be you, then."

He looked up. "What?"

"Our Secret-Keeper." James said, looking at Sirius directly, "It's got to be you."

"No."

"What?!" James looked angry, but Sirius quickly explained.

"They'll know you'd think of me. Pick someone else. Someone they won't think of."

James bit his lip. Sirius could tell he would only think of one person.

Remus.

The back-stabbing, double-crossing spy. Sirius was sure of that.

"Peter."

Sirius looked up again. James looked just as surprised as he did. It was Lily who had spoken, never lifting her eyes from Harry.

Slowly, she looked up to Sirius. "They won't think of him. He's spineless."

He would have laughed under any other circumstances. But now he just agreed.

James sighed again.

"Peter it is."


	6. Alone

**Thanks for your reviews. Love them all - love you all :) Keep going.  
This chapter is shorter than the others, but I felt that it needed to end here. Otherwise it would have dragged on into something that made more sense in the next chapter. This only covers one thing, and I apologise for that, but I didn't expect it to take up so much space. It's hard getting emotion across. **

_Chapter Six - Alone_

It was lonely, distancing yourself from everything you'd ever known.

Obviously, Remus should have known that. The aim of the plan was pretty self-explanatory.

But he couldn't face them. Not any more. Not James - knowing in his heart of hearts that he'd jump at the chance to betray him, that he wouldn't let anything get in the way of him and Lily. Not Sirius - not when Remus knew what he was thinking; that Remus was a spineless, lovesick, betraying animal who had preyed on Lily and wouldn't give up. Not even Harry - the small, innocent reminder that Lily loved James, that he loved her, that they had a perfect life.

And most certainly not Lily. Not while he still loved her. Not whilst everytime he saw her his throat would dry up and his stomach would enter itself for a gymnastics competition.

But he'd get over it this way. He'd have to. Even if he just forgot. And if he was ever going to forget, it would be now.

James and Lily were in hiding. He didn't even know where they were - only Sirius knew that. He was their secret-keeper; the fidelius charm was the only way to keep them safe. So, Remus had said his goodbyes a few months back now, and hadn't seen them properly since. He'd seen James a couple of times - a fleeting visit; he'd been visiting Sirius and Remus had happened to be there. Infact, Remus got the feeling that neither James nor Sirius wanted to see him especially. He didn't know why, but they'd been cutting him out as much as they could.

Well, that worked for everyone then. Seeing as he was avoiding them.

He sat, alone, in his new house, reading. He'd moved out of the flat a couple of months back - living with Sirius wasn't doing much good for the whole 'distancing' plan. Sirius didn't seem to mind - again, he seemed indifferent towards Remus. Perhaps even glad to see him go?

No. Now he was just being paranoid.

He shook the thoughts from his head and turned back to his book, immersing himself in fiction; his favourite pastime. He could sit there for hours - days, even, just reading book after book. He was a nerd - a bookworm - but he didn't care. He liked it that way. As he put it, the people who mind don't matter, and the people who matter don't mind.

A knock interrupted his thoughts.

_Strange, _he thought, _I don't usually get visitors. _

He lived in a small house on the outskirts of London, a small distance away from the nearest street, close to a forest for his monthly outings. So nobody usually visited unless they were visiting intentionally - and he didn't get a lot of those anymore.

The visitor knocked again as he got to his feet. Whoever they were, they were insistent.

He opened the door, brushing down his jeans - he wore muggle clothes in the house, they were more comfortable - and surveying the person on the other side. Or rather, the people. A man and a woman stood on his step, both smartly dressed, both staring at him intently - in silence. They made Remus a little more than uncomfortable.

"Um - can I help you?"

"Mr. Remus John Lupin?" The woman spoke in a clipped voice, a sharp edge to her words. She wasn't to be messed with. Remus could tell that.

"That's me." he said, trying to smile. She didn't smile back.

"I'm Auror Jane Miller and this is my assistant Ian Dowling. Can we come in?"

Remus stepped aside. "Uh, sure..."

They walked into his shabby house, and the woman looked at his things almost pitifully. Then she turned back to him, the same look of pity on her face. He pursed his lips. He didn't appreciate their pity. He didn't need it, nor did he want it.

"Sorry - but why are you here?"

Jane took a deep breath and motioned to his sofa as if it were her own home. "You might want to sit down."

Remus scoffed. He couldn't believe this woman. "I'm fine standing, thanks."

For the first time, the man spoke. "Mr. Lupin," he said, much softer and kinder than the woman, "you might want to sit."

Remus raised one eyebrow. "Why?"

Ian's eyes flickered to find Jane's, his mouth open slightly, trying to find the words. Slowly, she looked to Remus. "I'm afraid - " she paused, taking a deep breath, "I'm afraid we have some bad news."

Remus took a deep breath. All the worst case scenarios were buzzing through his head. "Well?" he said, shortly, "What is it?"

"It's," Ian faltered, "It's regarding Lily and James Potter, Mr-"

"Lily and James?!" Remus cut in, knowing he should have let the man finish. But he couldn't help it. His heart started beating far too fast in his chest and his head started to spin. Lily and James. What had happened?

"I'm sorry, Mr. Lupin - really I am-"

"Sorry?" he said, quieter - more breathless, not wishing to believe the only thought spinning in his head, "What for? What's happened?!" He shouted the last question, advancing towards the aurors unintentionally. They backed away slightly.

"Mr Lupin - they're... they were killed at 11.00 last night-"

"What?!" Remus shouted as loud as he could manage, his voice cracking through the tears now building in his eyes. He blinked- they fell. He couldn't help it. He couldn't stop it. He didn't care.

Lily and James were dead.

Gone.

Forever.

Now he sat. He collapsed onto the sofa, holding his head in his hands, sobbing. They were gone.

James. His best friend since - well, for all the years of his life that mattered. They'd have done anything for each other. Remus would have died for him.

But not now.

And Lily.

Oh, _Lily. _

The tears came faster and harder when he thought of her. He sobbed, trying to catch his own breath. Lily was dead. The only woman he'd ever loved - the only woman he would ever love, as far as he was concerned - was dead. Gone. It was so hard to get his head around. So hard to understand.

He'd never pictured them as dying. Especially not James. He'd seemed invincible back at school - parading around the castle as if he owned the place, shouting the place down and never batting an eyelid, calling professors by their first names and getting away with it, chasing Lily and never giving up, always putting his friends first...

He shouldn't have died. Not a free, brave, promising soul like him.

Neither should Lily. Beautiful, courageous, loving Lily. The Lily he loved - the Lily he craved. The Lily who'd snapped his heart clean in two - but he didn't care. He loved her, stronger than he'd ever loved anyone else. He couldn't imagine a life without her.

But he had to. She was... gone.

Her and her beautiful, red hair - the hair Remus could imagine now, shining in the moonlight, hiding those glittering, emerald eyes behind her long, black eyelashes as she looked up to him, shaking with tinkling, musical laughter... he wanted her, he _needed _her - just her warm presence, her awkward smile which lit up the room, the way she could make him smile when noone else could...

She was gone. Forever in a silent, peaceful, slumber, never to awaken.

_Gone._

He'd all but forgotten about the rest of the world, as he sat there, crying in silence and shaking with grief-induced sobs as the tears flowed freely down his face and into his lap. But, apparently , Jane and Ian weren't finished.

"Mr. Lupin?"

Remus looked up, their fuzzy frames just about visible through his watery eyes. What could they possibly want?

"What?" he said quietly, but his anger still prominent despite the cracking through his tears, "What?! You've said what you came to say. You can go now." He sniffed. They didn't move.

"Mr. Lupin, sir," even Jane's voice softened at the sight of a grown man crying, "it's just that - well, if you'll excuse me, there's something else..."

Remus looked back up to them.

"_What?_"

"This morning," she said, awkwardly, obviously uncomfortable, shuffling her feet, "the ministry caught the man responsible..."

"Voldemort?" The woman shivered. Remus didn't care.

"No, sir." She said, but still continued, "he's - he's gone."

Remus frowned, his eyes still blazing. "Gone? Voldemort's...gone? Gone where?!"

Jane bit her lip. "Just - just gone, sir. They think it has something to do with the baby-"

"Harry?" Remus shook his head. The woman was mad.

She nodded. "He survived."

Remus felt relief wash over him, stopping his tears momentarily. He hadn't known the baby too well - but it was still a big relief to know he was still alive. That there was still some memory of them - a one-year-old, orphaned memory of them...

"Oh god," Remus said slowly, the gravity of the situation dawning on him, "Where is he? Is he okay?" Only one name came to mind. "Have they taken him to S-"

He cut himself short.

Sirius had been the secret-keeper.

Sirius had told someone.

Sirius was the reason they were dead.

The reason Remus would never see either of them again.

"Harry is with his Aunt and Uncle in Surrey. Mr. Black was arrested at 11.00 this morning." Jane continued, staring into Remus' wide, watery eyes, "For the assisted murder of Lily and James Potter, and the murder of 12 muggles and a wizard-"

"WHAT?" Remus was shaking now, standing once more, anger flaring inside of him and his eyes blazing into the innocent aurors before him. He knew they could see the wolf in his face, but for once, he didn't care. There was too much emotion in his head, and the most prominent was anger. Anger at Sirius. He was more than glad the traitor was in prison. If he wasn't, Remus would have gladly killed him himself.

But for other murders? He'd killed _other people_? Muggles?

Jane took a deep breath, readying herself, trying to keep calm in the presence of an angry, grief-stricken werewolf. "Yes," she said, "at approximately 10.45 this morning, he tracked down one Peter Pettigrew-"

"Peter? Peter's involved in this?" The tears were coming again, he could feel it. But he couldn't sit. Not with the anger inside him.

"Black blew up the entire muggle street, taking Pettigrew and 12 other muggles in the blast."

Silence fell. Remus stood there, dumbstruck, looking between the two aurors - hoping, _wishing _that all of this had just been some sick joke. But neither flinched. They were merely recounting the day's events, reciting their report.

It had all really happened.

Remus was alone.

He felt numb. Like he was the one who had died. His head was spinning, but he couldn't feel it. He couldn't speak. He couldn't move. He just...stood. And stared. Blankly, mindlessly ahead, trying to make some sense of everything. But only one thought kept coming back to the forefront of his mind, stubbornly refusing to move, pushing all other thoughts from his head and locking him in this mindless, zombie-like state.

Remus was alone.

"Mr. Lupin? Sir? We have to go..." Ian's voice trailed away, "We really are really sorry for the bad news, really-"

"Oh," Remus said, a harsh laugh escaping, his voice unnaturally low and his eyes blazing as he regarded the man through narrowed eyes. In all honesty, he looked terrified. And rightly so. Being on the wrong end of a werewolf's anger was never a good place to be. He continued, almost growling as he mocked the man just with his tone of voice. "That makes it so much better." He spat out every word, unnecessarily taking his anger out on the aurors.

"I didn't mean that-"

"And bad news?" Remus continued, arms wide, smiling like a madman, ignoring Ian's stumbled attempt to diffuse the situation, "this isn't _bad news_." He paused, scowling at the man. "This is the kind of unfathomable, unpredictable, un_thinkable _horrific news that brings someone's world falling down on them so quickly they don't even have time to catch their breath. And don't even pretend to understand," he narrowed his eyes, surveying both people, "you can't _possibly, ever _understand. You're not alone. All the people you've ever considered as family didn't die or get sent to azkaban within twelve hours. You can't possibly even begin to think how I'm feeling. Empty, alone, like I could just curl up and die - there's a start for you."

Credit to them, they let him rant. They took his venomous words and shrugged them off. Jane spoke next.

"Mr. Lupin, we are sorry. And I know that we can't understand. But someone had to tell you - it just happened to be us."

He collapsed back on the sofa, she began to walk away with Ian in tow. She spoke to him over her shoulder. "Goodnight, Mr. Lupin. We'll see ourselves out."

He heard the door shut behind him, and he cried like he never had before.

For James, who had been stolen from the world too young, his bright future fizzling out with the blink of an eye.

For Peter, the innocent bystander who had been caught up in it all, probably killed in his final, brave attempt to face the traitor.

For Sirius, who Remus had though he'd known, but he'd been completely wrong. He cried for the man he used to be, the friend he'd lost - not the man Sirius Black had become.

For Harry, a naive, one-year-old baby - a mere _child _caught up in something he couldn't possibly understand, left with relatives he didn't know, orphaned before he could even walk.

And for Lily.

Oh, how he cried for Lily.

For the missed opportunities, for the face he'd never see again. For the laugh he'd never hear again, for her life being snatched away just as it was perfect. For his only love, his only need - the only girl he couldn't ever have.

He still couldn't quite believe it, expecting them to just walk in any second; James trying desperately to handle his son, Harry snatching his father's glasses away, Sirius howling with laughter as he so often did and Lily looking on disapprovingly, yet unable to hide the smile playing with her lips.

The scene that should have never ended. Never Ever.

Remus felt like he'd never stop crying. He didn't see a reason to stop. He didn't see a reason to get up in the morning. There was no-one waiting.

He was alone.

Completely, utterly, heart-achingly alone.

And this time, not by choice.


	7. The Only One and Epilogue

**Last chapter guys! This is my favourite. It starts off depressing, but trust me - keep reading :)  
Thanks for reading my story, guys. Keep reviewing, though - tell me how I can improve my writing. I love you all, but special mention to the girl that was wooed by tom riddle, who has reviews every single chapter as they've been published. Thankyou so much :')  
Here it is, the very end. Yeah, I'm mean to Remus. But keep reading. **

_Chapter Seven - The Only One._

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust..."

He stood back, not really partaking in the funeral. It was only Lily's family there - James was an only child, as were his parents, and they had died years ago. They cried for their lost daughter and sister, reluctantly throwing dirt onto the coffins in the graves.

But Remus just watched. He couldn't go any closer. He'd break down.

So he hid, watching from afar, only being able to hear the proceedings thanks to his heightened senses. The 'up-side' of lyncanthropy, as James had put it when they were at school. Remus smiled through the depression. When everything was better. When they were all together.

They were the marauders - all for one, one for all, and all that cheesy rubbish. They were the star pranksters of Hogwarts, led by the almighty, invincible James Potter, shining like a star wherever he went.

His smile died.

Remus had never expected to be the final marauder.

Because Sirius was as good as dead to him. He wasn't a marauder any longer.

It hurt to think that he was the last one left. He felt unworthy - living out the popular, cocky members who led the way, the ones who everyone truly believed would never die. He was just a follower - an add-on, his only excuse for being there hidden away, a silent reminder that he shouldn't really have been anywhere near the school at all.

Just like at the funeral. He shouldn't have been there, either. Not with the grieving family, openly crying for their lost loved one. Remus didn't fit. He had no family left.

The people surrounding the grave began to filter away, and Remus slid down the trunk of the tree he was leaning on, sitting on the cold, muddy grass underneath him and staring over at the dimly lit scene of the grave-diggers filling in the hole, moving the flowers up to the headstone.

It was going to be a long wait.

***

It was raining. The murky sky hung overhead, the gloomy, grey colour an exact mirror of Remus' mood. The scene around him was dimly lit - only shades of light breaking through the thick cloud cover and heavy rain. He let the rain soak him; he honestly didn't care. Soon enough, the raindrops would be mirrored by his own falling tears.

"Hey." he said, quietly, hands in his pockets as he reached the headstones. Nobody else was around - a fact which Remus was thankful for; he could stay there for as long as he liked, crying and talking to people who weren't even there.

But it felt like they were there. It didn't feel like they'd ever left.

He didn't quite know what to say after that - of course, he couldn't expect an answer. So, instead, he just stared. It still didn't feel real, even as he stood, reading the chiselled inscription on the cold, grey slab, over and over.

_James Potter  
Born 27th March, 1960  
__Died 31st October, 1981_

That was when the tears started, as he remembered - for the first time - James properly. When they met, eleven years old, Remus was a shy, nervous wreck, and James was a confident, cocky gryffindor who swung his arm around him and dragged him into the dormitory, telling Remus they were going to be best friends. And they were - although Remus could never quite understand why. Remus often hid in James' shining light - he lit up the room wherever he went, always making an entrance, not caring for the consequences. Sometimes, Remus would kid himself that he was just like James - he was a marauder, after all - but then he'd see the boy follow Lily around all day, never feeling defeated, casually hexing Snape just walking past, before winking at Professor McGonagall and saying something like "Minnie, my dear, might I say how utterly _delectable _you look in those robes."

That was the James Remus would always remember. His lopsided glasses, his loud, cocky voice and his roguish grin which would grow on his face whenever he had an idea, always mirrored in Sirius'.

Sirius. Remus scowled at the name, quickly turning his attention back to James. He had no wish to think of that scum ever, ever again.

He was 21 when he died; just into adulthood. He shouldn't have died when he did, in the way he did.

No matter how much he would have liked it.

Remus laughed a little through his tears at his own thought. Of course, that would of been James' choice way to die - standing before the enemy, saving the lives of other people, valiantly brave until the very end, staring death in the face and laughing out loud. A true Gryffindor at heart.

In his way, though, the people he saved would have survived.

_Lily Potter  
Born 30th January, 1960  
Died 31st October, 1981_

Remus dropped to his knees, the tears falling faster as he now turned his mind to Lily, that one night in seventh year replaying over and over in his mind.

The way she looked, the way she spoke, the way she smiled. It was all coming back in floods, reducing Remus to nothing but a quivering wreck. In his opinion, she'd never looked more beautiful than that night - the way the moonlight danced in her hair, the way her eyes sparkled as she looked up to him, the way she childishly tried to push him over, the feel of her lips against his._.. _it never should have ended. He should have taken her in his arms and never let go, never giving her the chance to resurface her feelings for James, making her admit that it was indeed him who she needed, all this time.

_Should _have. It was too late now.

He sobbed in the falling rain, his tawny hair - now streaked with grey - stuck to his head, much in the same way it had when he'd fallen into the lake. But he didn't care about the rain. It felt good to be cold - it felt good just to feel _something, _anything but the constant, all-over numbness which hadn't left him since the news had hit home. He needed to feel alive.

Not that he wanted to be alive. He wanted to be with her - he wanted to be in place of her. He would have gladly died for either of them - their promising lives in exchange for his worthless, lonely, painful existence. He didn't deserve to survive, not when people like them were dying.

People like _her. _The only one he needed.

He lifted one, shaking hand, edging closer to the stone infront of him, his other hand scratching at the muddy surface of the floor as he pulled himself closer. He was dirty, but he didn't care. He stretched one finger out and tentatively ran his finger over her name - over the name that he knew in the back of his mind should have always been Lupin.

He sobbed harder, his wails and cries of aching grief the only sound in falling dusk. He couldn't stop. He couldn't breath. He wanted to be with her. He wanted to be dead.

"Lily..." he whispered, knowing that she couldn't hear him - that nobody could hear him, as the rain beat around him furiously. He sniffed in an attempt to clear his tears, the one thing he'd never said playing on his mind.

And slowly, quietly, no more than a whisper, he spoke. Saying the only thing he'd ever wanted to say, the only thing he couldn't. The thing that had taken him so long to admit, and yet when he had, it made his heart beat faster and his head spin. Sniffing, he lowered his hands and stared straight at her name.

"I love you."

His voice cracked as he said it, and it triggered a whole new wave of sobbing. But the feeling rushed back into him. The cold, the wet, the heart-ache, the overwhelming, overpowering grief. And it hurt like nothing Remus had felt before. But at least he could feel again.

He was alone. Completely alone. He had nobody.

They were gone. Leaving behind everyone they'd ever known, leaving behind their perfect life and-

Remus stopped mid-thought.

"Harry..." he whispered, his voice trailing away.

And he clambered to his feet, reluctantly pulling himself away from the graves. He looked like a tramp, but he didn't care.

Because the child was alone too.

And Remus knew how that felt.

***

It was easy, breaking into a muggle house. Their locking systems weren't too sophisticated. One simple 'alohohomora' and the gate swung open with a mournful creak. Even easier, the back door was unlocked. Of course, he had to break in. He doubted that Lily's sister would appreciate an estranged, dirty wizard knocking on her door in the evening and asking to see the baby.

He gently pushed the door open and entered the kitchen.

The first thing he noticed was the overwhelming sense of cleanliness. Which was more than a little unusual, considering this was a house with two children under two living in it.

Then, there was the silence. Again, unusual.

As he made his way into the hall, he came to the conclusion there was nobody in. Remus gave himself a mental slap. Trust him to pick the time they weren't in. The one chance he had to see this child, and he wasn't even in. Remus really was the -

There was noise.

It was muffled, but it was noise.

A baby crying.

Remus could hear it, plain as day. He tried to locate it, but found it difficult.

It wasn't in the living room, that was the opposite direction. It wasn't in the kitchen - he'd just been there. It wasn't upstairs - that was too far away. Then, a thought occured to him. The only place it could be coming from.

...Under the _stairs_?

Tentatively, he took ahold of the handle and slowly, quietly opened the door. What he saw nearly made him faint.

There was a cot. In the cupboard under the stairs.

And in that cot, was a crying child.

Remus conjured a light from his wand and held it aloft to get a good look. His eyes grew wide. It wasn't just any crying child.

It was Harry.

"Hey..." Remus whispered, putting his wand on a side in the hall and reaching out his arms to the baby, "Hey Harry..."

He picked him up and looked straight into his face, as the baby's tears started to dry. It was Harry alright. James' black, messy hair filled the top of his head, the drooping fringe covering his newly-found scar and vivid, emerald-green eyes.

_Her _eyes.

He tried to fight the tears as he stared into them. He really did.

"Hey!"

Remus wheeled around, keeping tight ahold of Harry. Infront of him stood a woman - tall, thin, neat, dressed in a long, cotton nightgown, wielding a baseball bat. Remus' eyes grew wide. This didn't look good.

"Who are you? Put the baby down!"

The woman looked terrified, but she was desperately trying to hide it. The bat in her hand shook as she regarded Remus, who didn't let go of Harry. He spoke softly, quietly, as calmly as he could manage. "I'm a friend of Lily and James, I just wanted to-"

"To pay him a visit? You know, normal people use the door!" Her voice was shrill, but Remus didn't raise his own. He just regarded her with fiery eyes.

"I doubt you'd have let me in."

The woman laughed. "Of course not! You're a tramp!" her voice dropped in pitch, she sneered at him, "Of course, you're _not _normal, are you? You're one of _them_."

Silence. Remus took a deep breath. "This is unacceptable-"

"What is?"

"The way you're treating Harry!"

The baby whimpered, Remus looked down, whispering to him. "It's okay," he said, "it's okay. I'm going to get you out of here-"

"You're not going _anywhere,_" the woman's voice was threateningly low, "i'm calling the police."

"They'll arrest you for child cruelty!"

"Oh, so now you're trying to tell me how to raise my child?!"

Anger flared inside of Remus. Now his voice was unnaturally low, threatening her. "He's not _your _child though, is he? If Lily and James were here-"

"But they're not, are they?" she spat, "They went and got themselves killed! Lumbering us with their _freakish _child-"

"Shut up!" Remus shouted, hugging the baby tighter. He knew the tears were close. "The baby is sleeping _under the stairs!_ You can't do that!"

"I was ordered to look after him, to keep him alive. He's alive, isn't he?"

Remus couldn't actually believe his ears. "You are a pathetic excuse for-"

"Get out of my house." The woman raised the bat, "Now. Get out."

Remus stood his ground, snarling at her. "Gladly." And he turned, taking Harry with him. The woman laughed.

"Do you honestly think I _care_?" she shouted after him, "I never _wanted _it in the first place!"

Remus shook his head, muttering to the baby in his arms. "We'll get you out of here. It's all going to be okay-"

"Stop right there, Mr. Lupin."

Remus looked up. Dumbledore stood, blocking his path. Remus shook his head.

"Sir, we need to get out of here. To take Harry away-"

"Harry is staying put." His voice was serious, commanding. Remus laughed in disbelief.

"You haven't seen how they treat him! He was _under the stairs_!"

"Harry stays here," Dumbledore repeated, ignoring Remus, "he's safe here."

Remus scoffed. "Yeah, he really seems it."

Dumbledore's glare turned fiery, scaring Remus right to his core. He'd never seen the old man angry. "He's much safer here than he would be with you." Dumbledore said, his voice cold.

Remus paused, giving himself time for the words to sink in as he tried to think of something to say back. Before he could, however, Harry mumbled. Remus looked down. "It's okay, Harry-"

"Mama?"

The word rendered Remus speechless. Harry's first word - the call for the woman he'd never see again.

Now, he couldn't fight the tears.

"No, Harry," he said, sniffing, "no, it's okay-"

The baby repeated, his eyes filling with real tears. Remus bit his lip. "Mummy isn't here, Harry, but it's going to be okay..." his voice trailed away as Harry started to cry.

Numbly, he allowed Dumbledore to take the baby from his grasp, staring blankly into space.

The child's mother was never coming back. Or his father.

They were gone.

He looked over his shoulder as Dumbledore handed the baby back to the woman in the hall. He just stared, speechless, the numbness taking over once more.

"Come on, Remus," Dumbledore had his hand on his shoulder, "let's go."

He lead Remus back home, he cried all the way.

Not only was he now facing a life without James, Sirius and Peter, or a life without the only woman he'd ever loved, but he'd failed them as they lay in their grave. His last, feeble attempt to make himself worthy to even stand in their presence had failed - and their son lay under the stairs in some unnaturally clean house in Surrey, living with an obnoxious muggle family. And there was nothing Remus could do about that. He'd lost Harry too.

Dumbledore sat him down on his sofa and turned to leave.

"Remus," he said, over his shoulder, "I don't want you anywhere near that boy, understand? You are to have no contact. Not until I say you can."

He didn't reply. Of course he understood.

He heard Dumbledore sigh. The door shut with a bang, and Remus cried for everyone he'd loved and lost.

But mostly for Lily; the eyes of whom now resided underneath the jet-black hair of James Potter in the form of the orphaned baby Remus wasn't allowed to see.

The baby which, Remus knew in his heart of hearts should have always been his.

Lily's vivid green eyes and his tawny brown hair, living in the country. Her tinkling laugh under his crooked smile, a perfect world. Laughing, joking, never stopping.

A life which he'd hoped for for the past four years, a life which he'd single handedly destroyed before it'd even started. It was him who had gotten in the way - he'd stopped the kiss. He'd practically told her that she should have gone back to James. And, of course, _he _was the werewolf.

But she didn't care.

And now she was gone.

And he wanted nothing more than to be 'gone' too. He was nothing without her.

Lily Evans was the only one for Remus Lupin. He knew that, she had known that.

But that wasn't what was right.

* * *

Epilogue.

Remus Lupin was depressed for the rest of his life. He was a lonely, unemployed werewolf, living alone and never going out - his only friends forgotten, distant memories of what should have been, his only want the girl who lay six feet under the ground in Godric's Hollow.

He never thought he'd love again - the hole in his heart could never be fixed, the empty feeling in his stomach never be filled. Never. It hurt to even look at thirteen-year-old Harry; to look into the green eyes of his mother who he'd fallen in love with.

In his opinion, loving someone else was out of the question.

And then he met Tonks.

She was a smiling, clumsy, bubblegum-pink tornado who charged into his life. He was 36, she was 23. He was too old. He knew that. But, in his experience, love had never been absolutely right.

She tumbled into his arms, falling over a wide variety of meaningless things, and he caught her, staring into her deep brown, sparkling eyes endlessly, surveying her heart-shaped face and her ever-changing hair.

She was no lady, everyone knew that. She didn't mind a bit of rough-and-tumble, and was always up to help. But, she was clumsy as anything, and mostly her attempts ended in something getting broken.

The first thing she ever said to him was "Oops", biting her lip like a little girl before bursting into a fit of the giggles.

Wonderful, never-ending giggles, which complemented her hearty smile - never absent from her face.

And Remus was smitten.

His sensible, teacher side told him no. She was far too young, far too free. And she was tiny. He was scared he'd break her.

But his marauder side - the free, young side of him - told him to go for it, to hold her and never let go.

And he'd ignored that once before, and he'd ended up depressed for years on end.

So he took her, he held her, and he kissed her like he'd never kissed before. And in that moment, he was sure he'd done right thing.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

* * *

**Even heart-broken werewolves are allowed a happy ending. :)**

**much love,  
chipzi xo. **


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